In tHe QuiEt HeArt

Wednesday........

2012-01-27T16:41:00.000-08:00

This face. This was our Wednesday.

"I hate Wednesdays." All of my littles said it. And to be honest, it was kind of a doozy. Beginning with Nana suffering an unfortunate fall, and ending up with cracked ribs. My big girl smashed her finger in a door at school. And then her desk mate got sick. All over their desks and chairs. (Anybody who knows my daughter knows this is a fate worse than death.) Even two days later she stills get tearful and tells me she can't get the image out of her mind.

But the worst part was the email. The email where it was revealed that one of big girl's classmates was losing his father to leukemia in the near future. Near future for goodness sake. There was to be a class meeting about what leukemia means, what it means to lose a parent, and how to be a good friend to someone who is so very sad. So our family read this email. And we talked. And we asked questions. We wrote letters and cards. And we thought about their family a lot.

And then the father died the next morning.

I don't know this family well. But I can only imagine their heartbreak. And as it happens with all tragedies, it forces you to reflect on your own blessings. Maybe that is where the lesson lies in loss. To learn to be grateful in the very moment. Not later. Not afterward. Not when it is too late.

So my thoughts and prayers center around this family with young children, for their comfort and care. And then my prayers finish with gratitude for our current good health, for togetherness, and for it not being to late to express it all.

Pride and Inspiration..........................

2012-01-15T17:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the pride hits me so hard that the tears fall right out of my eyes. And my chest fills like the fulness may just burst. And so it happened on Saturday. My girls had a piano recital. It's a small affair as recitals go, in the lovely home of their piano teacher. But none the less as my girls sat there in their fancy dresses, plucking out the songs they practiced so very hard, my eyes swelled up.

My little girl, it was her first recital. For the days beforehand she worried, and worried and fretted. And worried and fretted some more. Finally she chose a song she comfortable with. She was able to walk with confidence to the piano, sit on the bench like a seasoned pro. And you have never heard a stronger version of "Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater." While the song choice is a beginner classic, I was proud of her 5 year old self for braving the audience. This one is a performer, she emerged that way. This is first piano recital, but certainly not the last.

And my big girl. My big girl. It is often said that parents want their children to be better, and do better than they did. I try to remember my own piano skills in 3rd grade. While I could play the basics, it remained at the end of the day, basic. My big girl can play. She can play difficult and complicated songs. She can sit down and play songs she has never seen the music to, just by knowing and understanding the sounds. She played "Starry Night" and "The Legend of Madrid" for this recital. And she nailed it. And I knew that there will be many things that she will do better than me, and piano is one.

I haven't watched the video of the girls at there recital yet. It may sound crazy, but the tender memory in my mind in filling up a lot of space in my heart. And for now that is just the contentment I need. Today I am grateful that I have two beautiful girls to fill my chest with pride.

Many years ago when I started this blog, I was in a flurry of inspiration. I could spend hours online perusing the lives of other people, drinking in their creativity and insight. I saw the many ways that other family's experience could enrich my own experience. I saw how having a personal forum in blogging helped you to be observant in your own life. I started watching my days and remembering the things I wanted to document for always, for my children to remember. When I finally took the plunge for myself, I knew how I would title my blog. Previously at church we had sung two of my favorite hymns during the same Sacrament meeting. The lyrics touched my very being, and I felt like they were almost my anthem. Two Sundays ago during our Sacrament meeting, we sung both of the songs again. It seemed to me to be a rallying cry from heaven to get back to the keyboard, to tell my family how much they mean to me, to tell my friends how grateful I am for their influence, to remind myself how to choose joy above all else.

Here are the verses of my anthem:

"Lord, I Would Follow Thee"

Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly
In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see
Who am I to judge another, Lord, I would follow thee

I would be my brother's keeper, I would learn the healer's art
To the wounded an the weary, I would show a gentle heart
I would be my brother's keeper, Lord, I would follow thee

"Scatter Sunshine"

Slightest actions often meet the sorest needs
For the world wants daily, little kindly deeds
Oh what care and sorrow, you may help remove
With your songs of courage, sympathy and love
Scatter sunshine, all along your way
Cheer and bless and brighten
Every passing day.

Love. Service. Cheer. It's my motto.

Small Things, Big Future.........................

2012-01-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

I would describe myself in many ways. Or maybe by many things. I am a mother, wife, niece, sister, daughter, nurse and friend. A quilter, knitter, family memory keeper, and sometime photographer.

Little moments have brought me here, to this place, to where/who I am now.

Many years ago, I bought my first Canon camera. My Uncle Mike Gzowski noticed what a novice I was and bought me an instruction book for photography. I read that book forwards and backwards. And I fell in love with pictures, and mostly the taking of pictures. I have never looked back, I take pictures.

One year for my birthday my Aunt Sandy bought me a rotary cutter, an acrylic ruler and a self healing mat. And she printed off an "around-the-world" quilt pattern. I measured and cut and watched seams until my first quilt top was completed. I have never looked back, I make quilts.

Every week for my adolescent years at church we held activities as young women. When I was in 8th grade we traveled together to the Oregon State Dance/Drill competition to support other members of our ward on the dance team. I watched them dance. And I cried. And I wanted to be on that team more than anything. So despite having never taken a dance class in my life, I tried out. And I made it. And being a West Linn Debutante was the most defining part of my high school experience. I loved dancing, I loved the team, I love our coaches. I have never looked back, the music and the performance is still part of me.

That same 8th grade year my parents invited me to be present at my youngest brother's delivery. They picked me up from school on April 14th, the day my mom became uncomfortable with contractions. I watched the delivery, I held my brother first. And I knew in that moment I would be a labor and delivery nurse. I have never looked back, I am a nurse.

Between 2006 and 2010 I blogged 364 times. In 2011 I published 3 posts. I couldn't capture it. My heart was too broken. Still is. But the difference is that now I know I need to never look back. I need to be present in these moments that will someday help to define me. And define my family. My children are experiencing moments of their own. And the stories need to be remembered.

The stories need to be remembered.

Bay Area Extravaganza 2011.........................

2011-08-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

We drove oodles of miles. We ate snacks, drew pictures, watched DVD's and learned to knit on looms. We laughed, slept, giggled, and fought with each other in the Odyssey for 8 days. But we had a super fantastic time. Really. We rocked the Bay Area.

~San Francisco Zoo~

~Monterey Bay Aquarium~

~Santa Cruz Boardwalk~

~Great America~

We came, we saw, we conquered. Here's the proof:

And now we are home safe and sound, preparing for school to start and grieving the end of summer.

The One Where She Lost Her Will to Blog..........................

2011-08-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

Wish I had a spectacular story to tell where I have been spending my long lost time curing diseases like cancer. Or solving world financial crises. Or knitting amazing frocks to go with my fantastically quilted quilts. But alas, I have not blogged simply because I had nothing to say.

Sometimes we are profound, and full of words, and observations, and answers to queries. But sometimes we merely exist. And that's where I've been living, in the simple existing.

But today was busy. As are many of my other days, no doubt. But different somehow. Today my friends called upon me when they needed something. And I was able to deliver. And in my helping and delivering I was a little bit healed. I pray nightly for the opportunity to serve the many people that have bouyed me and my family. Especially this last year. (Man, that miscarriage really took the wind out of my sails.) Today was an answer to that prayer.

Today a long lost friend sent me a tremendously thoughtful gift. We haven't had the chance to chat in many years, but her prompting to think of me sent the tears streaming down. Today I felt special.

And today I took this picture. This picture is not a technical masterpiece. But instead it is a genuine gem from a multitude I shot today while attempting senior pictures. When I saw it, I beamed from my insides out. There is something about being able to make this one laugh that absolutely brightens me. Now mind you, I am sure I said something inappropriate and marginally offensive to get this response. But it is a picture that is a true respresentation of a really great young man. And today I loved that I took this picture.

Low In Spirit.......................

2011-04-01T11:28:00.001-07:00

Last night I took a walk around the neighborhood. The weather was so favorable, the lighting was perfect. As I walked I couldn't help but sneak a peek or two into the windows of the lovely houses here. I would check out their backyards, the landscaping. I would smile if they have two cars exactly the same parked in their driveway. I find that funny.

But most of all I wondered what quiet trials each family was facing behind their doors. I wondered if they had just lost a cherished loved one. I wondered if they worried how their bills would get paid this month. I wondered if their children were causing them challenge. I wondered if becoming parents was the single desire of their heart. I wondered if they are battling disease or illness. I wondered if today was the day they felt content, and could see all the joy in their life and recognize the many blessings.

Then I walked to my own driveway. I stood out front looking in the window where my girls bedroom is. I could see the twinkling of the red and white christmas light that still hang over their beds. I reflected on how desperately I love these children of mine. And I cried and cried and cried. But it was actually a wave of hope. Something I haven't been able to capture for these many weeks. And I had comfort in knowing, at least for a moment, that behind my door there was contentment, joy in life, and the ability to recognize the many blessings.

Tomorrow is another day on this journey. I know there will be more moments of grief and despair. I am certain that hopelessness will probably try to creep in again. But that's OK. It's a journey. Every good adventure has it's obstacles. Every good superhero has a few kryptonites.

And this superhero has her three beautiful, charming, smart and talented super powers.

My Word of the Year..............................

2011-01-05T13:32:00.001-08:00

I've done it before. They've been words like "choose" or "organize." It's the word I make my year's inspiration. And I've finally decided on my word for 2011.

*FLOURISH*

I am starting out this year feeling more settled, in many ways, then I ever have before. So now it is time to focus on making my blessings really bloom and grow. I can flourish as my children's mother. I can flourish as my husband's wife. I can flourish as a homemaker. I can flourish as a professional.

And on that note of inspiration, I've always been a sucker for great quotes. I can't tell you how many little books I've started simply for the purpose of collecting great quotes! So here are a few I've run across recently:

"I can do hard things."

"Because someone doesn't love you the way you think they should doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

"Welcome to this humble home. Full of every days. Full of mundane chores and the buzz of regular life. Which is really a secret code for 'here lives the most magical of creatures and super heroes.'"

"Always be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle."

And just so you know, I found these mostly on canvases or other people's blogs so I don't have any person identified who authored them. I know, bad journalism. And also, I found a ton more, but I knew I should have bookmarked them! I guess, note to self: FIND A WAY TO REMEMBER!!!

So It Turns Out.............................

2010-12-28T00:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I walk by it, catch a glimpse, and I still can't believe it. It's a family heirloom. A little family history. A treasure more valuable than gold and rubies.

Actually, it's more like looking at my whole heart on my nightstand.

It's my blog. The last four years in which I have documented the ups and downs, The successes and the failures. The adventures, the journeys, the lessons, the births and the deaths. Oh, and my pictures! The songs of my entire spirit. My world as seen through my lens. The memories that will never tarnish because I snapped them up in their very moment.

But now my blog has a cover. It has a Table of Contents. It has 370 hard bound pages. 370 PAGES! Pages that I get to turn, one by one. I get to re-read about those adventures, journeys and lessons as if it was a true novel. An excellent story. I get to brush my fingers over the little faces of my babies. Four whole years of my babies.

So it turns out I'm a pretty lucky girl after all. I have had a lucky life that led me to beautiful friendships with women more thoughtful, intuitive and generous then I could have ever imagined. Women who came together and created my blog into an amazing book. That's right. A book that has let my children see their stories in print. A family heirloom and treasure.

So it turns out I may never be able to thank them with words that carry enough meaning. I wish a hug, a card or a teary smile was enough for them to feel, for even just a tiny moment, the enchantment and the gratitude I have for what they have given me. It is more than a gift. It is a blessing of charity, hope and love.

My cup runneth over..................

(Tap, Tap, Tap...........) This thing on?

2010-10-14T08:47:00.001-07:00

Hey!

My people!

I'm here! I'm really here!

Hmmm. Where to begin. For reals.........what an adventure we've had!

And this adventure has had me thinking so much. I mean A LOT. About gratitude. About faith. About hope. And last night I watched the last of the 33 Chilean miners be rescued, tearfully. And it was a triumph. And it was glorious. And it sealed the deal for me. Sometimes it's just really great to be a human being.

If I was to write a play about a woman's life. And I wanted to make it happy, and joyful, I would write it so that all the puzzle pieces fit perfectly, and all the events would happen in the right order, with selective timing. And the trials and travails she faced would be petite and easy. But the truth is, this play would be downright boring. And the woman, she wouldn't learn a thing.

So I've learned that my life is a play. And it has a script and a story line. And it wouldn't have been what I would have written for myself. But it is absolutely guided and tailored for me. And I've learned that sometimes taking the long way, and the curvy back roads is where all the glory is.

So I'm grateful today.

Really, really grateful.

I'm grateful for my husband who is measured and reasoned. Who keeps our eyes forward to our life goals and balances all my fanciful, romantic thoughts. I give him the full credit for our family's security. He deserves it.

I'm grateful for my parents and siblings. Who let us crash their house for 4 weeks and otherwise disrupt all sense of peace and quiet. Without their help and support there is no way we would have been able to do 2 whole moves in a month.

I'm grateful for my children who keep life super interesting, challenging, funny and altogether loud and messy. I would slay dragons for them.

I'm grateful to my co-workers. How can I call you co-workers when it's so much more then that? My heros? More like it! We've had some major challenging times, busy-ness, crazy patients. (Like REALLY crazy.) I am proud, proud, proud of you all. I truly believe that we do more then just help deliver babies. That sometimes we are the tools used in other families destinies. (Right Tina?) And I get to be reminded of the spiritual nature of our job every now and then. And I appreciate it.

Alright, alright. Enough sappiness. Let's get down to business with some pictures.

We started second grade:

We started ballet:

We're just downright flippin' cute;

We've been getting to know the neighbors:

We turned 2:

We started soccer:

We are coaching soccer:

We're kickin' the fanny of all the older, bigger boys:

See? We won! First place in forms and 3rd splace in sparring:

And we are beautiful!

We started up playgroup again:

We threw a shower for a special aunt:

There she is!

And the newest newbie baby, Parker Rose:

P.S. Soooooo, we LOVE our house. But it isn't quite arranged, organized or otherwise styled yet. Something about having 3 children, 2 jobs, martial arts, piano, ballet, soccer, playgroup, preschool, etc, etc, etc. I wanted to show you pictures of a beautiful, shiny, glittery home, but, alas, that's a ways off. So as soon as I can swallow my pride and take pictures of real life here, I'll share them with you!

Summer................

2010-07-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

With this busy summer, I haven't had a chance for much picture taking. But here's a smidge of our happenings. Lots be grateful for and smile about.

(Um, and, my sincere apologies for the snotty picture of my middle girly. I was so caught up in her eyes that I didn't notice until it was too late. But for reals, she has amazing eye balls.)

When I was in 4th grade, my parents sold our red station wagon. I cried. And cried. I really believed that the wagon knew we were abandoning it. I thought we were hurting it's feelings. I can picture in my mind my face pressed up against the window of the new car, watching the station wagon all parked and lonely as we drove away. It was raining, by the way.

I feel like that little girl tonight. It's my last official night in this home of ours. Our home! We bought this house as newlyweds. A couple. A family of 2. And we leave a family of 5. As we packed up the very last closet tonight, we found a stack of old pictures. All the pictures from when we bought this house. I couldn't help but reflect on what an adventure this has been. New careers paths. New babies. Lots of landscaping travails. Wonderful neighbors............All of it.

There are no eloquent words for me. I'm excited for the new chapter. For the blank canvas our new home with bring. For new neighborhood walks. For new space. New memories. My hope is that the old house, our first house, will forever know how much we love it. And how we have loved it here. And how these journeys will stay in our hearts and minds. And we get to reminisce and say "Hey, remember our first house?"

Trouble.................

2010-05-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

Dirty, but really still delicious.

A Realtor's Just a Ninja in a Blazer....................

2010-05-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

(Modern Family? Anyone?)

So trying to sell your house it super weird. Yo.

The other day we had a showing from 3:15-4:15. We came home @ 4:30 to find the family just arriving. So we did what anyone else would do, and we sat in our neighbors yard, let the kids play, and watched the people watching our house.

And when they came out, I had this overwhelming urge to lock elbows with them, take them back inside and tell them the stories.

Tell them how Alex and I closed on the house on our one year anniversary. And we slept inside on an air mattress to celebrate getting the keys. I wanted to tell them that Louise, our neighbor up the hill has a pond in her backyard with frogs. And she doesn't care if the kids come and throw rocks in it. And our sweet neighbors across the street will let you jump on their trampoline any hour of the day and give you tinfoil when you run out. And that their daughters are the best role models you could ever ask for.

I wanted to tell them that their kids could play tag in the front yard for hours. And that my husband and I fought over who would put the stickers on the mailbox. I won. And they are horribly crooked. Did you know there is an awesome park just a block away? Let me tell about it!

Oh, and this is a house where 3 babies were brought home to. And this is a kitchen where I've made meals for families with new babies or who have recently lost loved ones. And this is the best corner for a Christmas Tree of course! Oh, this table, looking out this picture window, is where my husband studied for nursing school for hours, and hours, and hours. And under this window is the couch that my dad hangs out on when we comes to watch our kids. This shower? Sure it has white tile. But this is where I've taken a shower before every single shift I've worked for almost 12 years. And during each shower I pray to have good judgment, and compassion, and I pray for my co-workers, and my patients. And don't get me started on all the quilting, and family history done in the scrapbook room. Your mind might explode.

I wanted to tell them that this house is not just about floor plan, and closet space and a new kitchen floor. It has spirit, and warmth and history.

Maybe the next family will get the stories.

The One Where She Didn't Know What to Say..............

2010-05-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

I mean really. There's just now way to sum it up, these last few weeks. You know how there are just those cycles in life where everything is amplified. And time just goes super fast. And everything is profound. And you don't even have time to think. And you're just plain zapped by the mere act of enduring it.

Yeah, that's been my last few weeks.

Ready? Ready for my delving? Alright.

Keep your arms inside the ride at all times.

Several weeks ago, like geniuses, my husband and I decided to sell our house. You know, because the economy is so awesome, and people are buying houses left and right. No actually, it's just because Big Mama needs some space. But sadly, when you've been living in the same house for 11 years, there's a good chance you need to do some crap to it. We are no exception.

So, we put in new tile floor in the kitchen. We painted pretty much every paintable wall surface. We put new brick siding in the back. We replaced gigantic french doors for the closet. We repaired hardwood floors. We weeded, and landscaped, and bought flowers, and staged, and purged, and cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned.

And so far nobody wants to buy our house. Do you wanna buy it? Do you? PU-leeze???

Actually, it's all good. I mean, major happiness here that all those little pesky things that never get fixed, well, they got fixed. So if we have to stay in this place forever, I guess (gulp) we'll survive.

(Let me point out that I LOVE this house. I really do. It's just not functional for us right now.)

(Let me also point out that trying to keep this house I LOVE clean for potential showings and open houses, is, quite possibly, defeating me.)

And then the end of April brought a lot of sadness my way. My very dear friend tragically lost her youngest son to complications from pneumonia. He was just over 2 years old. I have grieved for my friend. For her family. For her older children. For all the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries that they will face with burdened hearts for the rest of their lives. I grieve for the little things like his carseat, and his t-shirts in the laundry, and his favorite snack in the pantry, for his crib, and his shoes. Ugh, the tears are back.

It's a bittersweet place to be. A paradox really. There are miracles to be in every tragedy. I know they have seen them. I know they feel peace. And I don't know of a time when you feel more loved, and supported, and buoyed, But all the while, your heart is breaking. My heart breaks with them.

I feel like I endured my own little bittersweet tragedy to. You see, right after we decided it really was time to move, I found out I was pregnant. Me! Pregnant! These are victories to be sure. I mean, this would be only the second pregnancy, without medical intervention, in 12 years of marriage. We were thrilled. We felt like this was surely a sign that we were doing the right thing. I mean, 3 kids in our little space is one thing. But 4 kids is just plain silly!

I've never really been somebody in tune with things. People astound me with what they just know by instinct. I'm not one of them. But even me, lacking a talent for feeling, and knowing things, knew that this pregnancy was not to be. And sadly, it did end. And it was scary. And I was trying to be pragmatic. And I was trying to be strong, for everybody. And I was trying to clean my house like crazy the night I came home from the hospital after surgery. But the hurt found me. And it took the wind out of my sails.

And it stole my words and my cleverness for awhile.

But it's time to steal the words and the cleverness back.

I'm bringin' it FBI style. I know I will find them.

Mother of the Year Monday.............

2010-03-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

I will most likely go insane. And regret this for decades. But today I have 3 very happy children.

Meet Betsy Twinkleberry. Kitten extraordinaire.

Oh, and that's not why I'm MOTY. I get that title this week because I let my girls click out of their boosters and stand in the window of the van and let the wind blow through their hair and fingers as I drove around the neighborhood. The sunshine made me do it.

Mother of the Year Monday.............

2010-03-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

You know there is Wordful Wednesday. And Foto Story Friday.

Welcome to Mother of the Year Monday. This is where we celebrate the bad and the ugly. Have you ever fed your children frosting for breakfast? Do you ever skip pages in the books you read to your kids? How about leaving out teeth brushing for one, two, maybe three nights in a row? Come on in and share your motherhood glory moment for this week!

Oh and by the way, if you are a perfect mother, don't bother. Move along.

So this morning I sent my first grader to school with her homework book all signed off. Only, she never read it.

So there you have it.

Please, don't be shy, let the world know what it's really like out there.

There is Sunshine.................

2010-03-06T21:41:00.000-08:00

Four Years..............................

2010-02-24T23:20:00.001-08:00

Four years of happy.
Four years of funny.
Four years of sparkle.
Happy four years my sugar!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Motherhood is the Opposite of Wimpy.................

2010-02-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

It's heroic. And if you don't believe me, just walk a few paces in my worn out Nike Air Mary Janes, mister.

In a recent span of time, I have:

*caught poo mid downfall with a diaper {mitt} from a freshly bathed naked boy bottom.

*had 3 different children backwashing into my drink.

*chased my boy offspring as he sprinted into the middle of our busy road with cars approaching from both directions.

*wiped full on peanut butter handprints off of our 16 minute old flat screen TV.

*caught vomit in my skirt, while pulled over in the van, way back in the 3rd row seat, on our way home from church.

*endured the hurling of insults such as "You're mean." and "You don't love us anymore." and the classic favorite "You're not the boss of me."

*nearly had my eyes gouged out while sleeping from a boy baby who wanted at the bosoms.

*had chewed up banana dropped into my lap.

*sent the husband to retrieve "snacks" for the children. He came home with 13, YES! Thirteen! boxes of granola bars. Only, there were already 8 unopened boxes of granola bars, not to mention the snack drawer filled to the brim with, you guessed it, granola bars. (Goldfish crackers? Anyone?)

*5:45 am.

*Barney.

*And the creme de la creme......... Yesterday I was alone with the 3 offspring at the school spaghetti dinner when the boy one, ran from my side. This boy did not even slow down as he ran all the way across the cafeteria, out the open outside door, and directly into the pond. With no hesitation. Whatsoever. So big mama had to jump in and rescue the boy offspring. At the school fundraiser. In my clothes.

No further comment, Your Honor.

Tonight I'm Just Lovin' Her.................

2010-01-23T22:09:00.000-08:00

My middle baby. Sunshiney, golden, glittery, blingyness.

The One Where They Slay Dragons..................

2010-01-12T21:31:00.000-08:00

Lots and lots of years ago, I decided I was going to be a labor and delivery nurse. In fact, it was the day my youngest brother was born. I never looked back. I knew all through high school. I knew all through college. Never wavered from my nursing major, by golly. After I graduated I went straight to obstetrics.

And I never looked back.

It's been lots and lots of years.

I used to think I was blessed to be directed about nursing because I would have to be the breadwinner for my family for almost a decade.

But I was wrong.

I was directed to be a nurse so that I could deliver babies, in my town, in my hospital, in my unit, because that's where my heroes also work. If I didn't have a baby brother, a nursing goal, a first job in Utah, I would have never known these ladies.

"Are your BFF's at our house again?"

"Yep, my BFF's are here today."

"What are they doing?

"They are rescuing your mom."

You see, some people have living rooms. I have an "I might be able to start living again room." Because for whatever reason, there are brave, brave girls who want to tackle my couches, my 3x5 cards, my movies. And all the while they say they are happy to do it.

For me.

Tonight I get to sit at my computer. And I get to breathe a little bit. And I get to reflect on why I'm so lucky. And I get to run for the Kleenex because of the tearlets. The little tearlets of joy.

(Now the tearlets are big.)

I think my Father in Heaven knew exactly what I needed all along.

The Tale of Two Heathers

2010-01-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

I work at a hospital. With super fabulous ladies. One of them is a Heather, just like me.

Sometimes people confuse us.

(Actually no one has ever confused us, but I wish it would happen because the other Heather is REALLY smart.)

Sometimes at work we have lot of conversations at work about life, and parenting, and marriage, and finances, and various and sundry other challenges.

Then...............

Sometimes I log into my iGoogle account at work.

Sometimes I walk away from the computer leaving my blog's dashboard still open.

Sometimes the other Heather takes advantage of this open dashboard.

Sometimes the other Heather will write a post as though she were me.

(One time the other Heather wrote a very silly post. About the word throbbing. My mom read it. I deleted it.)

Sometimes the other Heather knows that this Heather needs a little TLC. A little pride boost. A little cheering section.

Sometimes she is right.

Sometimes the other Heather hopes to make me feel better.

Sometimes she is super successful.

Thank you Heather Digby.

Thank you oodles to all of you who so enthusiastically agreed with the fact that "I rock." I really, really needed it.

The Ways I Rock

2010-01-09T04:26:00.000-08:00

So easy to doubt and deminish. To wonder with uncertainty. But right now it's about the way I rock.
*I am an awesome momnma to my girls and boy.
*I am a good nurse who does a good job. I am nice to work with.
*I am a good wife. I love my husband, good and bad. All the time.
*I am funny. Very very funny.
*I have dreams and hopes and joy.
*I am darn good at listening to and advising my somewhat broken friend in a really meaningful way.
*I am good enough just they I am and I ROCK.

My Word............

2010-01-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

Every year I do it. I choose a word. And then I ponder on it. And pontificate about it. And generally obsess about it.

This year I've done it again.

Wanna know what I picked?

Are you ready?

Can you handle it?

OK, I warned you...........

Here is it:

~organization~

Not very shiny and glittery and spectacular as chosen yearly words go. But oh, so necessary. My life needs it. Every bit. From meal planning, to family scheduling, to keeping fit, to figuring how to make this shack workable for 5 people.

Oh, and by the way I'm doing this. And I'm way super excited about it. Like really excited.

Here's to lots of memories made, stories told, pictures taken and neat and tidy garages in 2010!

It Was Merry and Bright......................

2009-12-26T23:30:00.000-08:00

Ponderings.................

2009-12-20T00:40:00.000-08:00

Wish I could say I'm drowning in the spirit of the season.

But I'm too busy with silly mind wandering.

Exhibit A:

*What would it be like to work on a quilt all day long, 'til the wee hours of the morning, with HGTV rolling along in the background, an endless fountain of Diet Coke and jelly beans, a phone attached to my cheek with oodles of friends on the other line gossiping and plotting to save the world one marriage at a time?

*What if I could be a first grade teacher? How would I decorate my room?

*What if I had a handyman at my disposal for a whole week, to finish all my undone projects and paint layers and layers of colors on my walls?

*What if my children were happy and cooperative all day, for just one day, all at the same time?

*What if I was able to sleep for 8 hours straight?

*Will someone please move out of my dream house, and sell it to me dirt cheap? Or at least offer to build me one exactly like it at a ridiculous discount?

*Why doesn't Portland have any good flea markets?

*How can I get myself to Daiso?

*When will we ever get a cross country road trip in?

*Are those glass bottom cabins in Fiji really relaxing? I mean, over the water?

*Is there a baby #4? How will I ever come up with another name with double letters?

*Can someone come up with a cure for brain cancer?

*Am I too short for Ugg boots?

*Have I ever left anyone brokenhearted?

*Will I ever get a shopping spree to Anthropologie?

So as you can see I don't have a spare minute for anything else.

Happy Yuletide................................

2009-12-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

There's just been much of the going ons, well, going on.

Tis the season, if I do say so myself!

And if just being jolly and of good cheer wasn't hard enough, we've been stricken with illness {I diagnosed pneumonia of the most horriblest, awfullest kind, on myself.} We've badly smashed baby boy fingers in doors which led to oodles of deliberation as to if we should high tail it to our nearest Emergency Department {we stayed home}. We've welcomed {ish.......} our Baba Vera for her yearly pilgrimage to our humble domicile {humble=too small for 6 people}. And we've been working at a feverish pace to finish all Coop Dog Proof Christmas Tree Decorations. And when I say "we," of course I mean me, alone, solo, {abandoned}.

But, sitting in front of the computer for those many hours I was stationed at Rutsville have really paid off! I have been inspired by all of the most clever and frugally minded domestic engineers. And I'm happy to report that all of our newly retro themed Christmas decorations will have cost a grand total of FOURTEEN DOLLARS. {Patting myself on the back as we speak because I really wanted a fourteen hundred dollar overhaul of the holiday bedazzlement. But it wasn't in the budget.}

And because every good post needs some pictures.....................................

Santa and Mrs. Claus kindly met us for breakfast at California Pizza Kitchen. Who knew they rocked the pizza?

Maybe, just maybe she'll get her craft on with me someday? She threaded this needle like a pro! And my insides got all gushy!Sadly she left me shortly after and I was companionless in the quest to see all these together for garland.
And a special Night in Bethlehem. The girls enjoyed it a lot. Thank you Activities Committe!!
We're the bravest family ever. Out there in the frigid tundra of Oregon with all the other bravest families getting our tree. Ya know, next year, I'm gonna make it into the tree picture. Scout's honor.

Postcards From Rutsville........................

2009-12-01T21:18:00.001-08:00

Hey.

It's me. Heather.

I've been on a little roadtrip. To Rutsville. Anybody been there? Just past Ebb (of Ebb and Flow fame.) Taking a right at the 4 way stop going to Frustration and Anxiety.

I'm planning a return trip.

There's just been a lot of layovers and pit stops.

Good thing I've got the Navi in my van. To take me back to Joy and Peace.

Oh, and good thing there is Ikea to dream about organization. And a new iMac on its way here. And good thing there is Diet Coke and Hot Tamales. And So You Think You Can Dance. And John L. Scott real estate website where one can get lost in square footage, master suites and landscaped backyards. And good thing there are super cute kids that say ridiculous things to make me smile, and who dance, and who sing Christmas Carols while I accompany them on the piano.

And mostly good thing there is understanding that sometimes you inspire others, and sometimes you get to be inspired. Sometimes you make the creations, and other times you get to copy. Sometimes you tell the jokes, and other times you sit back and laugh. Sometimes you take pictures, and other times you leave the camera at home. Sometimes you are the writer, and sometimes you get to take time out to just read.

And good thing there is faith that a little girl who had a rough start to first grade can eventually soar. And faith that little blonde girl was sent to your family to be a peacemaker. And faith that a little boys, (who really is little) can be perfectly normal even in his small stature. And faith that just because there were struggles, and needs for peacemaking, and itty bits of growth, it doesn't mean that the mother is failing.

It just means that she is learning.

{Oops. My one and only shot of the 3 of them all costumed.}
{And it's not even my porch}

{A most treasured collections of bits and finery that my children gathered for me.}
{Happy Me.}

P.S. You still with me? Good. Then go here and read this post. I really wanted to copy it and make it my own. But those stupid, dumb scruples.

Adventures.................................

2009-10-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

You know, if you're having a baby, I'm your girl. I got you covered. I know what your vision is: healthy mom, healthy baby. And I can help you get there.

Now, say, if you want pictures of your family, I'll be so excited to help. But true confessions? I'll be terrified. Because you love your family. {I love your family} And your family is beautiful. And I want to make sure I capture that vision you have.

But I'm just a beginner. Like, for real beginner.

And maybe I'd feel more comfortable rushing you to back to the O.R. for a prolapsed cord.

I'm just saying.

I'm so grateful for my lovely friends who have faith in me to capture their people. I'm so honored. And I really had a great, great time. And despite my total fear, I wanna do it lots more.

You guys are the bees knees.

Anybody else up for it?

And this next one is just funny, because these two have history. In the middle of a lake full of freezing cold water.

Oh, any my girlies want lots more days of picture taking. Because they had the time of their life. Seriously. We had the exhausted post picture meltdowns to prove it!!

The One About Parenting.................................

2009-09-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

I used to be a lot of things. Or, rather, I used to consider myself a lot of things. I used to think I was easy going. I used to think I was patient. I used to think I had good judgment. I used to be confident.

Then I had kids.

And now each of those things I thought I was, have been tested.

I've said this before, and I'll say it 100 times more before I die. This whole parenting thing is not just about being a kind and caring person. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that there are lots of people out there with kids, who aren't super nice, but may be superior parents than me. Because I get stuck in the niceness. And the trying to please. And the peacemaking. And the wanting everyone to be happy factor.

And I forget about the balancing act.

The fine line that has to be walked everyday. How much do I give in? How much do I push? How much should I smooch it all away? How much do I fix? How much independence do I let them have? How many spoonfuls of frosting constitute a breakfast?

How are they going to turn out to be kind and caring people?

How do I know?

This is an amazing season of my life. I don't know when I will ever wield as much influence on the world. This season is requiring a lot of faith. A lot.

There is no answer here. No conclusion. No wrap up. Just observation. That this is really, really, hard.

The big girl completely dressed herself for church on Sunday. Down to the headband and bilateral barrette placement. And then she asked me to take her picture. In this spot. With this pose. And there was no way I could argue. Because I thought she was perfection.

And the little girl has sensibility to her sister's sensing. She inherited my peacemaking. And she glimmers. And I think she is perfection.

And the boy. He found his screech. On MAX. On the way to IKEA. And I didn't think it was perfect. Because we were stuck. And he found his screech a lot.

But those hands in the air, and the constant curiosity, and the dirty boy he's turning out to be. Well, you guessed it, perfection.

Now I'm off to perfect my parenting.

{Loved c jane's post on life seasons. She nailed what's been on my brain.}

2009-09-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

Here's the boy. His first major interview.

Please don't ask why he has been set up in the backpack, in the parking lot of Mr. Walton's Magical Mercantile. Because I have no real answer for you.

Seemed oh so right at the time................................

El Primero......................................

2009-09-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Thank you to mother nature for busting out chunky bits of sunshine and blue sky minus precipitation.

Thank you to lovely friends and family who traveled far and wide to come and celebrate my boy.

Oodles of happiness in my spirit today. He's a whole year.
{But still my baby}

The Duel......................

2009-09-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

Another First......................

2009-09-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

It was preschool. The first day. She was excited. Like really excited.

One minute.

Then the next minute, not so much.

And this would be the only proof in pictures of her first day. Of school. Ever.

There was some worry on the drive to school. And a few tears. And then she entered the classroom and donned her nametag, she was oodles and oodles of smiles.

But she still wouldn't let me take pictures.

Sheesh.

So I came home and got this one instead.

This Girl....................................

2009-09-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

She is something else. She has it all. She's intense and sweet. She's hysterical and dramatic. She's a great big sister and strong competitor. She's sassy and silly. She's an athlete and an artist.

And she's unmistakably beautiful.

And she's a first grader.

And this boy. Well, you know.

And because I always want to remember:

~Lilly has a stand up comedy routine. Her character is an "Old Grandpa" with a cane who tries to dance and jump. It makes my sides split. She practices it every night, standing on her bed for Hads and I. We howl. What she doesn't know? Is she has perfected and old Jewish man, 100 year long smoker, from Queens. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up.

~It took all day for me to get details about her first day of school. All day school. Her first statement "BO-ring." Turns out it was anything but. Her teacher put everyone in jail for talking too much. She got lost after lunch with two of her friends when the class left for recess and she had no idea. Oh, and about lunch. Her packed meal was completely untouched. So here's the conversation:

~Me: What did you eat, girlfriend?

~Lils: Um, a hot lunch, of course!

~Me: But sweetie, I didn't give you any money for lunch, how did you pay for it?

~Lils: MOM! They gave me a plastic card! I used it. It was really easy.

{*There is a slight possibility she received easy plastic card usage from me. But, whatever.*}

~Oh yeah! That picture of Lils round house kicking the cumulus clouds? They are using it for the advertisement for the school! Locals: watch out for your next installment of the Clipper.

~And lastly I hope I never forget how much Lils loves her siblings. They make her belly laugh. {Don't get me wrong, they make her scream like a banch as well. A lot.} But Coop dog? I bet he thinks he deserves a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. For comedy. Because she laughs at simply everything he does.

NEXT UP: Hads goes to preschool for the very first time. Don't miss all the action!

Hello, My Name is Heather, and I'm a Wobbler.......................

2009-09-02T20:12:00.001-07:00

I do a considerable amount of wobbling. Thought wobbles. You know, the back and forth thing. Sometimes I think I'm pensive. Sometimes I think I can't be pleased. Sometimes I think that I just simply think too much.

For instance.....................

Sometimes I feel organized, on top of it all, put together. The very next minute I feel engulfed in total chaos and unrest.

Sometimes I love to snuggle with my kids when they get up at night. (Because, you know, they won't always let me snuggle.) The very next minute I pray for just one night of solitude and no interruptions.

Sometimes I find profound meaning in the help and nurturing I give my children. The very next minute I want them to grow up and make their own peanut butter sandwich.

Sometimes I feel great about our budgets goals and progress. The very next minute I want to throw caution to the wind and splurge it all at Boden and Anthropologie.

Sometimes I feel great that our family is so closeknit in this house of ours. Actually scratch that. I never feel great about being packed into this shack. I pretty much only fantasize about the future digs/crib/domicile with closets, and master bathrooms, and a bonus room and, and, and..........

Sometimes I am so joyful and the human spirit, and resilience, and survival that I see in other's journeys. The very next minute I wonder when I will triumph.

Sometimes I feel inspired by the talents and creativity and generosity and genius all around me. The very next minute I feel envy.

And then sometimes I feel like I want summer, and all it's casuals, and warmth, and sunshine. And then very next minute I desire the early bedtimes and routines and engagement that school brings.

So there you have. I glimpse into the nooks and crannies of my thinker. And just for the record? In the wobbly tug of war, the "sometimes" usually beat "the very next minutes."

Last Bits of Summer.................................

2009-08-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

Don't mind us. We're just trying to savor every warm degree, bike riding, ray of sunshine, lazy morning, late evening, playdate, swimming pool, long walk, fresh fruit, time together morsel we can squeeze out of this summer.

We'll get back to regularly scheduled broadcasting soon.

A Drive By.....................................

2009-07-29T00:17:00.000-07:00

This summer is flying by at a smokin' hot pace. And by hot I'm talking 100+ temps right now. Seriously, as I write this it is 93 degress inside my house.

But, alas, I'll quit complaining about the weather. Just mark my words, my next house will have air conditioning.

Air conditioning.

So instead of long drawn out prose: more pictures. Cuz that's just how it's gonna roll. No words, more stuff to look at. Cuz I'm hot. Real hot. Like melting hot. Like that place hot. For real.

Lilly is taking martial arts. She recently tested for her white belt. As you can see, she was the teeniest, tiniest tester. And the only girly tester. I was so proud of her. She rocked.

And Haddie is biking. And she rocks.

And the sand? It doesn't rock. In the mini-van.

Having cute babies rocks.

Candy rocks.

And having cousins in town, well, it rocks the most.

A Quilter's Bliss..........................

2009-07-13T00:11:00.000-07:00

The Sister's Quilt Show. Pretty much like no other. Every building is draped with quilts. Every store, City Hall, even the mini-marts. Quilts of every pattern, style, color and texture you can imagine. 1,300 of them. A full day of inspiration.

And the sun in always shining.

And it's impossible to not be impressed.

And it's impossible to not be amazed at the details.

And the patterns.

And the creativity. Look at all this wool felt! Unbelievable.

And the color.

Oh, and spending a day with cousins is darn fabulous to.

And lest you think otherwise, quilt shows are exhausting.

A Visual Feast.....................

2009-07-05T00:08:00.001-07:00

I resolved the USB cord situation of 2009. The one that hindered me from uploading any pictures. Thereby rendering my ability to post updates impossible.

So please indulge me with this small catch up of pictures.

We've been busy having playdates.

We've been busy learning Martial Arts.

We've been busy painting the exterior of our house.

Oh, and yes, of course, we've been busy with our family tradition of soil exploration.

And then we've been busy enjoying a glorious 4th of July with family.

Busy is pretty awesome.

They Say.....................

2009-06-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

That the days are long, but the years go by so fast. Can't even begin to make sense of what happened to Kindergarten. And it's over. Wasn't it just the other week I was a tearful mom putting my biggest on a bus, way pregnant, rushing to follow the bus to school on that first day? I watched the video I took from my hideout in the parking lot. All you can hear is my crying sniffles.

So now we have a graduate. Whose diploma reads "The Biggest Imagination in Rm. 3." A graduate who reads, who can count by 10's, whose teacher says she beams from the inside out. Proud mama? You can bet on it.

So I guess it's time to squeeze the guts out these longs days. And make them last. And remember them. And document them. And cherish them.

This is my only summer with these three faces, at theses three ages, with theses three challenges, and these three triumphs.

First grade and preschool are right around the corner. Mercy, mercy.

Wedded Bliss.............................

2009-05-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

It's been 40 years for this young couple. You name and they've tackled it. Cancer, travel adventure, loss of child, adoption, oodles of laughs and hugs and good advice, career changes, spectacular grandchildren. It's hard to imagine what the future holds for the lovebirds. But for now, I'm grateful for the gift of unconditional love and family they have built for me. I'm honored to be their daughter.

Our Little Man.................

2009-05-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

"I love Cooper. He pumps my heart up."~Lilly

I couldn't agree more.

Magical Woodland Birthday....................

2009-05-21T23:55:00.001-07:00

It's birthday #6 for my big girl. And we've been counting down the days. For a long time. Like over 60 days. {I"m not joking.}

So we had gnomes, and deer, and a silver forest, and mushrooms. And we had a beautiful park, on a magical day. And we had friends and family. And oodles of fun.

I think she felt pretty special. Which is nice, because that was the effect I was hoping for. Mostly because I happen to think she is pretty neat myself.

Happy Birthday to my most best Lilly.

On the Stage 2009

2009-05-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

It's that time again. The time where my dirt, bug and critter loving girl gets all gussied and fussied to perform her ballet and tap routines. And the time where she wears her costume once and promptly hands it down to her little sister. And the time when she can't stop talking about how she loves to dance on the stage. And the time when I get to marvel at her and be completely enchanted by her sheer stunningness. Here's the proof.

Today was just the practice. Tomorrow is the real thing. But it looks promising for a super fun show.

After a little dress rehersal it was off to the park. Because today was glorious. And we had to celebrate our boy who is 8 months old. 8 months old today. Mercy................

Laughter...........................

2009-05-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

Taking the plunge. Submitting an entry. I Heart Faces. I thinks this works out nicely, because I really do heart faces. A lot. And I like laughing. And this week's theme is laughter. And I like my daughter. And she is not getting choked, merely tickled. And when I look at this picture, I can actually hear the giggles.

A Triumph of Good Fortune...............................

2009-05-10T21:10:00.000-07:00

It's Mother's Day. So I remembered that I'm the luckiest mom. I really, really dig my kids.

And I dig their tricks.

And I hope I can make them happy with a day jumping for the rest of their lives.

Happy Mother's Day..................

2009-05-10T04:01:00.000-07:00

I copied this from Elisha Snow's blog. It moved me....................

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids walks into the room while I’m on the phone and asks to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’

Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The Invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude-but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone.

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription:
‘To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte… I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does..

No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. But one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women

A Structure Journal..............................

2009-04-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

I am raising my family in the town I grew up in. It has it's positives and negatives. I know lots and lots of people here. And, furthermore, lots and lots of people know me. This little town changes and grows. Buildings and structures go up. Old memories get torn down. I often times now find myself most nostalgic for those places that remain unchanged. The places that I frequent now, that I frequented then, and that my children are experiencing in exactly the same way that I did.

Now stop, I'm not talking about 7-11.

Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about our little church building. I don't remember a time went I didn't attend church there. I was baptized there. My brothers had their mission farewells and homecomings there. My friends have had their wedding receptions there. My three children were blessed there. And for many, many years, each and every week, I have pulled into the same parking lot, made the same rounds to find a spot, opened the same doors to the same chapel and sat in the same pews.
And now I am so privileged to watch my girls and my boy develop a love, a testimony and a faith inside the same walls that I did. It's a simple building in terms of architecture. There is nothing that the world would deem extraordinary just by driving by. But my heart would tell you otherwise. It's simply magical.
And I suppose that someday we will get the brand new building, closer to our home. And I suppose that someday I will have the same affection for it as my little church on Overlook. But for now I will cherish these Sundays. Cherish them like crazy.

Now this? This is a view I would love to eradicate from my memory. A view of a very neglected mini-van after a weekend of errand running. Even the poor mirror reflecting my sacked out baby is cock-eyed. And please, do your best to ignore the Big Gulp. For your own good.

Effortless............................

2009-04-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

When I sit down and reflect on my envy of other people, it really just comes down to what they do that is effortless. For instance, some of my friends keep extraordinarily clean and tidy and otherwise completely organized homes. And from my vantage point, it appears effortless. Some of my friends maintain their health, their beauty and their fashion sense, all impeccably. And from my vantage point, it appears effortless. Some of my friends can create a vision in their head, and execute it perfectly and amazingly with paper and fabric and cameras. And from my vantage point, it appears effortless. Some of my friends mother their children with a perfect balance of discipline and whimsy. And from my vantage point, it appears effortless.

So it makes me wonder if there is anything that I can do effortlessly.

I'm still here, wondering.

Sometimes I think all of these things take super hero powers. And I can't fly, I don't even work out and my eyes are going bad so X-ray vision is out of the question.

So I guess back in the real world I can remember for every person whose home is perfectly maintained, is a lady who is afraid to cut paper. And for every mom who can't get workouts or shopping trips in, there is a woman who makes pipe cleaner tiaras for her children to wear at dinner.

And I imagine that I effortlessly fall into the middle. The glorious middle.

Soooooooooooooooo.................................

When I'm not thinking and reflecting, this is what I've been up to.

Growing green things.

Tumbling.

Cutting and pasting.

Confisgating scissors. And taking pictures to document the dabbling of barbershop techniques of a big sister, upon a willing little sister, while a tired mother lay in a coma on the couch.

To be honest, I effortlessly laughed about. And remembered that it will grow back.

And lastly I have been blessed with a lucky shot of 4 children I adore.

And again, the bottom line is I have been blessed.

Pixie Dust..................................

2009-04-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

At our house, we believe in fairies. Perhaps even so much that some may believe they really are fairies. And they may even have pink wing sprouts upon their backs. And they may have butterflies as pets. And they might have names like Tulip Glitterbell and Abigail Beautyberry. And they may collect things like twigs, and spiderweb silk, and acorns, and dandelion fluffs.

And everybody knows that fairies need pixie dust. And at our house, we happen to have lots of pixie dust.

And maybe someday, with a little magic and oodles of pixie dust, we will fly.

It Really Does Exist......................

2009-04-06T00:24:00.000-07:00

And it will be back tomorrow.

And I'm talking about the sun.

Anyone who has lived in the Pacific Northwest knows that the first warm sunshine in the Spring is pure glory. I mean it. The rays literally sucked us outside.

And we had joy.

And we planted seeds.

And here is the proof.

And, yes, that really is a big dollop of drool hanging from his chin. Just keepin' it real.

P.S. My little project with the jars was a bit cryptic! Oops! Really the major thing was the cake stands. I made a bunch using matching bowls and plates with adhesive bathroom caulk for a church activity. They are pretty awesome. Because they are so cheap to make and turn out pretty cute. It makes you look at plates and bowls totally differently! I also used clear glass plates and wine glasses from the dollar store. Those were awesome (no pics, whoops!). The jars on the top just had patterned paper rolled up inside. It made the cake stands more of a centerpiece than a functional serving piece. Just lots of ideas for cheap decorating!! Seriously, millions of combinations and so easy.

Oh Joy, Thy Name is Closet........................

2009-04-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

And some other stuff to. It's a hodge podge post really. So here goes.............

I would like the record to reflect that I, being of sound mind and person, did, in fact, design and build this entire system (save the demo by said husband, and the stud measurements by said father) ALL BY MYSELF. And furthermore, I did it whilst watching after 3 children. Amen.

And the first tooth, it was lost. On St. Patrick's Day. And the tooth fairy, well, she rocked it with $5.00. And then found out that what was really desired was metal money. So an exchange was made the next night. And then the tooth fairy bought a Big Gulp for herself with the profit.

And since it was St. Patrick's Day, we ate green. And for some of us, it was our first time. Eating green. And, well, I think it didn't go over so hot.

Can you see that face? Do know what he's thinking?

"Please don't ever do that to me again."

And for my ladies at work, who tirelessly, and kindly brought in glass jars, here is the end result. Not bad, eh? And cheap to! Just a little over $2 for each set.

Hodge podge, over and out.

It Was Wild Man................................

2009-03-28T12:55:00.001-07:00

Wildlife Safari. Went there myself as a kid. Now I get to take mine. How cool is that! We got to see those wild animals way up close. Except for the crazy ostrich. We closed our windows to protect ourselves from the dangerous, dangerous pecking. We had the elephants wash our car, we rode camels (and got wedgies) and we got golden tokens to ride the train. We enjoyed ourselves. We will go back.

The Sugar Bowl.....................

2009-03-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not talking about the college football game that gets played in New Orleans every year.

Although, it can't be denied, I do love football.

I'm talking about analogies. I'm talking about my house. My sweet little house being like a sugar bowl. Where you try to push everything out to the perimeter, higher and farther. But sadly, it all falls back into the center. That's the anguish I feel everyday. We've just become too big. People wise. Not bottom wise. (We can discuss that later..................)

So a terrible thing happened as I thought about our home. I accidentally found my dream home. Seriously. We've named it "The Dream House." And it's vacant. And they keep leaving doors unlocked. And we've been inside, like, a million times. And my biggest girl told me the other days she was packing her things and moving there, with or without us. And I need it to be offered at a 50% discount so I can buy it.

And I'll show it to you, only if you promise not to buy it...................

The Dream House

Alas, there is no new house in my near future. So I come to you, wise readers, for your very best organizing ideas for 5 people, living in a teeny, tiny space, where 3 of them have toys. You know, toys, just like sugar, that keep falling down, straight into the middle, anguishing me.

P.S. Did I tell you "The Dream House" has frogs in the backyard pond?

Be My Little Baby....................................

2009-03-15T16:19:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm not exactly sure what happened to the last two weeks. Wish I could say we were on some rad vacation. Or maybe caught up doing a tremendous amount of worthy charity work. Or busy creating clever masterpieces. But, alas, we've simply been living.

And organizing. Or so the girls think. As evidenced by this herd. I'm so intrigued by this pack of animals. I especially like the koala hoisted on the back of a moose. Cuz that like happens everyday............

And we've been learning how to move. I simply asked the boy to stop. He told me he just simply can't. And a tear jutted out. Because he was supposed to stay my little baby. Here he is in the push-up mode:
And here's the dreaded crawl stance:

Here's the sibling rivalry that ensued. She won today.

Here's the delicious smile:

And here's the eye-balls I can't get enough of. They are part blue, and part the exact color of her hair. And by the way she has been sick for 2 days with every kind of gastro-intestinal ailment you can think of. Which means we've been up on the couch watching HGTV for hours at night. She especially likes House Hunters and has developed two specific criteria for which she would buy: if there is any "beautiful, beautiful pink" or "Look Mommy, I can tap dance in that house!"

P.S. We have a very wobbly tooth in th house. A fairy visit is iminent.

Cool Stuff, Yo.................................

2009-02-24T21:26:00.000-08:00

I'm trying out this blog couture. Kind of fun. It's from this site www.houseof3.com. A rad site dedicated to hybrid scrapbooking. I think this is something I could really get into. I need my husband to buy me a new computer so I can dedicate it to all of my hobbies. And get busy. Honey?

Anywho.............

It got me thinking about some cool sites that I love AND would love to share. AND because I want you to share your lovely treasured sites with me. As always!

Do you need to download some music? Get songs for free! Totally legally and legit. Go check them out at Turn it Up Media. Sign up and start browsing.................And now that I think about it, I bet your husbands, and aunts, and uncles, and parents and friends and co-workers would love it to! (Disclaimer: My brother Sean worked a gazillion hours to help launch this site, so it's near and dear to me. BUT, even if it wasn't family, it's a completely awesome set up!)

Just found this one. And I'm so excited to enter! I Heart Faces. Set aside some time. Way fun.

Ever wanted to design your own fabric line? It's totally possible! I'm dying to do this. Seriously. The ideas in my head are swirling, baby. Spoonflower.

It's all about the economy. So while your getting your free music, check out what crazy deals you can score at Steep and Cheap. It's fast paced, and changes quickly, so if you like it, buy it. And along the same lines, try Deal Sucker. They canvas all of the quick deal sites in one place, so you don't have to visit them all. Oh, and don't forget Peachy Cheap.

I need a crash course in grocery shopping. I'm more convinced now than ever that I spend way more than I should. Coupon Mom is going to help me. I can feel it.

We all know Shutterfly, right? But have you seen their templates for photo books? The ones from Creating Keepsakes will knock your socks off. Real life. And try to edit a few of your pictures in Photobucket. Totally fun.

Quilters! Check out Amanda. I don't know how she does it. And let no fabric go to waste whilst being inspired on projects here Sew, Mama, Sew.

Do you have kids? Do you have kids and it's raining and you need something to entertain them? Enter, The Crafty Crow.

And lastly, don't ever, I repeat, EVER buy anything online without Googling to see if there is a coupon code. I can't tell you how much money I have saved this way. All you have to do is search "Boden (or whatever company) coupon" you will die at how many sites will pop up with codes. Not too long ago, my husband and his mom were going to place an order at Macys.com. I very dramatically and Super Hero like ran across the room to stop them before they clicked to confirm. Did I mention it was very dramatic? Well, I searched for a code and in about 10 seconds, I had saved $40 dollars and got free shipping.

I'm beginning to think I really am a super hero........................

Please, please, please let me know what cool and otherwise irresistible places I need to visit. My mouse is ready to start clicking.

Third Birthday......................

2009-02-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

Here's the boy. He's not three. But he is 5 months. And he's still juicy. And he slays me with his easy smiles.

Now this one, she is three. And I died about 18 deaths when I realized she is getting older on me. And I've chosen to show only the happy pictures. Because, well, she is three. And there were some of those moments.
This girl. I'm telling you. She's too much.
And I loved how she got all shy and embarassed-like when we sang to her. It was darling.
Yep.
You know, I should have shot these cupcakes from the top. This angle, well, it's pretty sad.

Oh, and this boy. I could take a bite out of him. He's that delicious.
Cousins. They are you built in best friends.
It had My Little Pony written all over it. And we loved it. And we love our family. And we love our church family. And we love our work family. Because family IS what it is all about.

Happy, Happy 3rd Birthday to my most, ever so special girl!

What the World Needs Now..................

2009-02-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

Is more badly lit, poorly edited pictures of juicy, smiley, chubby, darling boy babies.

And a rainbow seen from the backyard.

Big Wheels Keep on Turnin'..............................

2009-02-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

Sweet Home Alabama has nothing to do with this post. I just really like the song. Like, a lot. And I've really only ever known one person from Alabama. Dan Huffstuttler. But he introduced me to my husband. So he's my friend for life. And now since you've seen the first line in my title, you're singing the song in your head. Am I right?

I've been thinking a ton about light. I think it's because I love to dream about our next house. And my simple pre-requisite is how much natural light it has. How much sunshine can drift through my windows. How I wouldn't have to have any curtains.

I'm pro-light.

I'm anti-curtain.

I love causes.

Confessional. I usually am not inspired to take pictures of my children just when they are doing something cute. I mostly get the urge when the lighting is too delicious to pass up. And I know their blue eyes will look like "man crafted sapphires." (Thank you Heather Digby!)

Light causes me to have symptoms in my chest. When there is lots of it, I feel crispy, and fresh, and alive and creative. When my cost-cutting husband turns out lights all around me, in the dead of winter, when my home feels like a cave, I instantly feel burdened.

And now for the leap. Perspective can act as light for me. A quick twist of my outlook can help me to see things that glow where previously it felt shadowy and cloudy. And the simple act of thinking differently is downright brightening.

This morning I read through the blogs I frequent. Miss Jody knocked me out. Her family has endured an adventure. Some people would view her as a victim of a tragedy. I see her as an absolute human triumph. Go catch up on her story if you have a minute. But in short, several years ago, her 6 month old daughter suffered a head injury in an accident that also claimed the life of her oldest daughter. Consequently her baby has significant developmental delays and challenges.

But today she honored her. And she thought about the joy that her daughter would entertain. And also about the things she would be saved from. Like filling out confusing tax forms. And peer pressure. And worrying about her weight.

It's simple really. But she found happy and unlimited. And a bright and full of light future for this special girl.

And being bright and full of light is what it is all about.

A Call to Arms............................

2009-01-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

Please read. And think. And then, let's act. I've been hearing a lot about this bill. And the more unintended consequences I see, the more I am absolutely sure we can't let it happen.

http://allsorts.typepad.com/allsorts/2009/01/cpsia-blogin-day.html

Phew...................

2009-01-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

It's over. The first night back to work is history, baby. We did it! Coop choked down a bottle. A couple of little crying episodes (me included). And I sort of, kind of, got a little sleep during the day.

Hooray! We'll be fine.

And we're cute. If I do say so myself.......................

And Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Broadcast...............

2009-01-12T17:28:00.000-08:00

Thank you. For your encouraging words. I mean it. I'm so lucky.

Enough said.

So Big Momma goes back to work in next Monday. That was the shortest 2 weeks of my life, that maternity leave. Just kidding. I know I should be ever so grateful that I get 18 weeks. A lot of moms survive with less.

Here's how I know I'm on a work countdown:

*I just taught my 5 year old the word "nocturnal."

*I'm trying to decide what radio station to listen to during my commute.

*I'm visualizing myself doing tasks, like IV starts. (What color tubes do I need for bloodwork?)

*I'm constantly calculating how many hours of sleep I will be short.

*The. Breast. Pump.

*I've been thinking of excuses for the weight. Which include "I'm just big boned" and "the devil made me do it."

*I'm nesting and organizing my house. Because now it won't get done for decades.

*I'm collecting projects to take, just in case it's slow. Nursing station scrapbooking? Anyone?

*I'm worrying, worrying, worrying about my coworkers who have to deal with my new level of dumbness. And about my babies. They will survive, right?

I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm getting to work less than I ever have before. I've gone back to work after maternity leave twice already. And that's worked out nicely. I have a job. That in and of itself is a blessing. AND most importantly, I work with a bunch of fabulous, stunning, and otherwise best people on the planet. Hands down.

Well....................................

2009-01-09T12:59:00.000-08:00

Confessional.

Are you ready?

It's not pretty. And I'm not in the business of laying out my personal issues in a public venue such as this blog. But I need to say some things. It's just, well, time.

I have behaved badly before. You know, immaturely. And I have never tried to excuse myself, because I own it, and I'm accountable for it. But at times I just couldn't stop how I felt. And because I have so many friends, who are heroes, and who don't behave badly or immaturely, I want to follow their example and be a better human.

I behaved badly when my brother and his wife, and their kids decided to move far, far away. I was initially heartbroken. Because I knew that it would cause a pain for my children that I couldn't protect them from. And by my calculations, where we had spent 5 years seeing, and playing and being almost everyday, now we would only see, and play and be less than 10 times before our kids went to college. And wrapping my brain around that took a little time. I thought I was doing better, until they left. And then it wasn't about them leaving, but my perception of the way they left, that super upset me. Please be clear. It was about my perception.

But I've come to see this, and other recent situations, from the perspective of my parents. Who are only in the business of wanting us (my siblings and I) to be happy. And love one another. And to like one another. And respect each other. Who raised us to be kind, and loving, and thoughtful, and strong. And when we act immaturely, and insensitively, and otherwise without regard to feelings, we stop honoring the way my parents raised us.

So I'm trying to mend things. And I suppose it will take a lot of time. But I want to do it for my parents. Because of honor.

And I'm a big sister. So I'm calling out my little brothers, who I have bossed around for their whole lives, and who I don't intend to stop bossing around until I die, to get back to honoring our parents. And to remember the connectedness and pride we used to feel. And to ease up, and think before we speak, and think before we act. And to always remember that we are a family eternally, and we are better together. And that we are all parents now, and have children whose happiness and health are our goals. And we are a village for these children. And we need to start acting like it.

I feel like we are in a growing pains stage. I have a treasured picture of myself with my 3 brothers (prior to the adoption of 2 more kids) where we are arm in arm, wearing our matching letterman's jackets. And we are happy. And smiling. Each of us has our own family now, that we will make pictures with, arm in arm, separate from us as siblings. That's how life is supposed to be. But in this adjustment, we have lost a little bit of the smiling. And traded it for stress and hurt feelings. And I'm stopping today. The stress and hurt feelings. For me and by me. And I hope everyone else does to.

It will probably be hard. But the right things to do are always the hardest.

I Always Knew You Were a Winner!

2009-01-08T20:06:00.000-08:00

The oh so scientific Random.org Integer Generator chose prime number 5FIVE5! So commenter #5 is the proud winner of a year long subscription to a special magazine of their choosing.

And I might suggest Parent, or Parenting or Brand New Baby Due in March.

That means you Heather Digs!

And I have your address. Remember? Darren Digs? It's on the back of my badge. And I refer to it often, and think of it fondly. And I'm glad the said residence didn't flood. Because I would have had to leave my peanut butter M&M's, diet Coke and TIVO to come over and fill sand bags.

And I would have completely done it, with no complaints. Because there is a new baby nursery to protect.

So phone me up and tell me what you want. And I'll make it happen. Or maybe I'll phone you up. And make it happen.

I'll be back soon, with more reflective perspective on life than one person should be allowed to have.

#300 and 2009, Fo Shizzle................................

2009-01-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

It's 2009. Crud. I'm gonna miss 2008. It was a splendid year for our little family.Last year at this time we knew we would expect nursing school graduation, starting kindergarten, and a new career for Alex. We had no idea we would welcome Big Coop, lose Uri and face big time employment struggles.

And we didn't know we were this strong together.

And we didn't know how much faith brings about blessings.

And we didn't know how much people thought of us and how their generosity would bring magic to our holidays.

And we didn't know that the roller coaster of 2008 would be a perfect timing of events to leave us feeling only one way today, joyful.

I'm gonna miss 2008.

Bring on 2009.

Because now we know anything is possible.

And I finished Lilly's quilt.

So to celebrate my 300th post, and a brand new year, I'm hosting my first ever give-away! And that means every last one of you who reads here is completely obligated in every way to make a comment. Or else face the consequences!

Just kidding of course.

But I'm talking to all of my beloved family members, friends, and girls from the 2nd floor at LEHHC (I'm comin' back soon!)

All you have to say is something that made you joyful in 2008. Easy peasy.

The winner, chosen randomly one week from today, will win a year's subscription one of the following magazines they choose.

Golf Digest

Parenting

Country Home

American Patchwork and Quilting

Country Living

Newsweek

Real Simple

Family Fun

Lucky

Simple Scrapbooks

Wondertime

InStyle

Or any other comparable mag that puts a twinkle in your eye. Cuz I love that much.

Now get writing..............

See you next week!

Happy, Happy Christmas..................................

2008-12-30T20:28:00.000-08:00

This was darn near the best holiday we've ever had. It will surely be memorable with the snow. I think we should have a blizzard every year for Christmas. It slowed the pace way down. There was no stress of to-do lists. No stress to get all the activities done. No stress of going anywhere.
no stress, got it? We kept it super simple. And I super liked it.

But I super missed family that were away. Love to my peeps!

This year we absolutely had to re-enact the Nativity. Because we have a baby. And he's a boy.

I bet you didn't know that the manger was a bouncy chair, the 3 wise men presented their goods in gift bags, the animals were actually stuffed and Joseph is camera shy. It's all true.

Oh, and Mary and Joseph spent the afternoon cartooning.

There absolutely, positively, under no uncertain terms, has to be matching pajamas on Christmas Eve. Amen.

And Santa tracking on NORAD. It's most educational.

The delightful crew at 7 bells in the AM. Of course Lilly has already busted into her candy. Hence the blue teeth.

Off to Nana and Papa's. Took a couple of trips. Because no one could navigate the drive, sans Papa in his rad truck. (The same truck that became stuck at the end of their driveway leaving me and the girls, and Papa to walk back to our home in 26 degree weather, 14 inch snow, in the dark, holding and pulling sleds with only our sparkly, glittery shoes on. But that's a story for another day.)

I love generations.

And I think he loves presents already.

And I know she loves Webkinz. And she loves Rahul. (I do to!)

And when she's wearing clothes, she loves them to be blingy, and princessy, and otherwise fabulous. And I love taking pictures of my little man.

And I loved this Christmas.

P.S. This is post #299! Yeah, that's right, I talk that much.......... Stayed tuned as I try to think of something killer for history making post #300!

An Arctic Blast is No Joke..........................

2008-12-22T12:27:00.000-08:00

Man am I glad I bought 4 gallons of milk and 3 loaves of bread a few days ago.

Remember this?

Well this morning it looked like this. And it is still snowing.

And the children are playing. Like this. With the neighbor girls who make me want to live in this teeny, tiny shack forever.

And Big Coop? Well all this snow and blizzardly conditions are just not good for the hair.

Amen.

Snow Days...............................

2008-12-21T13:17:00.000-08:00

Vail?

Park City?

Timberline Lodge?

Our little hometown in the Pacific Northwest?

Bingo.

An arctic blast nailed us. So what's the sum total? 8 days of snow and ice. 5 days of canceled school and two weeks of canceled church. 6 people with cabin fever. And 3 silly children. 2 stranded cars. An infinite amount of sledding at the park followed by hot vanillas.

Oh, and some rad pictures. Most of which I won't bore my dear friends and family with. But we had snow drifts, yo! Drifts!

So in the meantime, we're trying to kill time. By grabbing each other.

Making our signature silly face.

Smooching our baby. Doesn't he looked thrilled?

And telling funny stories. Very, very animated stories.

Again, please note the tremendous amount of enthusiasm from Big Coop. And also, when a family is stranded at home for days on end, we stop caring about matching the tops and bottoms of our pajamas. I'm just saying............

For the Love of Textiles.............................

2008-12-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

You know, it's been a bit snowy here. They've canceled school the last 4 days. What does one do when stranded at home, for hours on end, with no place to go, and a full stockpile of candy canes and Diet Coke? Drown oneself in yarn, paper, fabric, glue, pens, modge podge, and thread, of course. It's actually good for the soul. Cuz I get to breathe. All creative like.

Here's the stocking for Big Coop. Remember this? Yeah, he's getting one to, by golly.

Did I mention the lighting for pictures is hideous?

So here's the gift we made for Lilly's teacher. An altered clipboard, binder clips and a pad of paper made from Lilly's own artwork.

Remember the lighting people.

This is, naturally, two different quilts I'm working on at the same time. Confused? Me to. Just kidding. I can keep them completely separated. My goal is to have them done before I have to go back to work. Work, whaaaa, WORK!

Now this is kind of fun. A compact little scrapbook to document, very simply and crudely, what we did every day of December 2008. Simple baby, simple.

Creative genius written all over this table. OK, OK, I jest, again.

Now for the paper. Do you know how many ways I love paper?

How about repairing old cherished projects that dastardly creatures put holes in? Can I say cedar chest, pu-leeze? Anyway, it's all better now. Let's take a poll, for Coop. To wear? Or not to wear? By the way, it's a cardigan.

And these fun ornaments. Made on a wing and a prayer. KIDDING, last time. These were made on a paper trimmer and a stapler. Pretty rad though, right? Imagine a dozen hanging in my kitchen. Go ahead, imagine it!

And the parting picture. Of my 3 month old attempting to escape from the Bumbo. I'm in some serious trouble. Mostly because he almost made it.

P.S. Because we are all friends, please kindly ignore the child sans clothes behind the properly dressed infant male in the chair. Yes, she is on a table. Without clothes. Kindly ignore.

When All is Right With the World........................

2008-12-14T22:35:00.001-08:00

Anybody familiar with the Pacific Northwest knows this is lucky. It's not too often that snow falls AND accumulates. So when we get it, the world stops for a day. And it is glorious.

Oh, and when I mean stop, I'm not joking. Church canceled, school already canceled for Monday, nobody drives anywhere. Yeah, we don't mess around.

So for us it meant hours playing outside. Snow clothes on. Snow clothes off. Snow clothes in the dryer to be ready for the next adventure.
And we partied into the night. Thanks to Baba Vera (or Bada Beeda as Haddie calls her) for bringing these rad sleds from Ukraine. They were perfect.But me and Coop stayed indoors. He showed me his new tricks. See this one? He lists to the left side. And then one very special time, he actually tucked the low shoulder perfectly to end up on his tummy. And I died a thousand deaths. Because I don't ever want him to do tricks. I want him to be my baby. Always and forever, amen.

So I took a hundred pictures of his delicious toes.

And I sat him in his bouncy chair to watch football with me while I knitted. In between the outdoor excursions we made the troops hot vanilla and french dip sandwiches. And then we watched more football and stiched a few more rows.

It was perfection. And all was right with the world.

Glimpses.......................

2008-12-09T20:47:00.001-08:00

Forgive me, dear friends and family. This post is heavy on the pictures, and well, super light on any witty commentary. And, as a sure testament to my sheer laziness, there is a strong possibility I might not even put the pictures in order. And I certainly didn't take any time to Photoshop them.

Why might you ask? Because I'm keepin' December simple. That's right. A true and bonafide no-stress-holiday. Courtesy of me. To my family. Because it might be the only one ever. Because for once I want to focus on the joy of it all. Because there really is a reason for this season. And we are going to capture it.

So enjoy these completely straight out of the camera, completely non-chronological glimpses into our Christmas cheer!

Oh, and I insist that you tell me which one is your favorite!

Happy Christmas. Made by Lilly and I.
Another original artwork masterpiece from my little Monet.

Our tree. Before it's downfall. Sometimes Haddie does smile. I promise.
She's just downright beautiful.
Vera would stroke if she knew I posted this picture. She's hate her pictures. I for one, love this one.
Noble fir hunting.

The one true ornament this year. The little tag says "2008."Our tree haute couture from the Dollar Store. Minimizes maternal angst over breakage, pillaging, meddling and otherwise misplacing valuable other decorations. See the little girl smiling?
What the crap is this tummy time?
Yeah, that's right. Never again baby.
I love their hands. They always manage to find each other.
Oh how she loves to hold him.
I got nothin' here. I just liked this picture.
Here's the dude. His hair is aloft, even during sleep. And note I didn't use the flash to disturb his slumber. That's the kind of mom I am.
One day Lilly and Haddie were playing with Play-doh. And Lilly created this bird. And I think it is pure artistic genius.
There is a slight possibility I put too much peanut butter on her sandwich.

This was the "I can't believe I'm in the Santa picture with no shower, no make-up, not wearing my 20# weight loss slenderizing outfit, just to document that Haddie actually did see St. Nick and look how much she is enjoying it" picture. Oh, and by the way, I got completely and utterly vetoed on the "Let's dress up in our beautiful Christmas outfits for Santa" idea and instead got jeans, a t-shirt and a Halloween costume.
That's Cooper. And he is here to pump you up.
Both Santa and Lilly are stunned by Haddie's lack of desire to see on the jolly old man's lap.
She told him she wants and Webkinz Kangaroo. Good thing she didn't change her mind at the last minute sending me shopping in a panic to look for her newest wish.
And there's me. A self portrait. Just to document that there is someone behind the lens.

Well, Another Year Under My Belt..............

2008-12-04T22:13:00.001-08:00

How can I really be halfway to 70? Seriously.

Oh well, another birthday milestone. A pretty low key day. Lots of reflection on my part, really. It's really amazing this life we navigate, isn't it? How it really takes to whole life to learn lessons. And many of them we have to keep re-learning. And each year we get to take stock of it all.

And how we try to be grown up and mature, and how it is sometimes really, really hard.

And we recognize that we are blessed beyond measure.

And we recognize that we could be doing and being so much more.

And we realize that we are heroes to some people.

And we realize that there are others we will never please, and, in fact, consistently disappoint.

And we think of the memories and where we were a year ago, and how much has changed in a short time. Last year I had no idea there was a Cooper coming my way.

And we think of what could be in store for us this next year.

And we know that we have developed talents that can't ever be revoked.

And we know that there is so much more there is to learn how to do.

And we see that many sacrifice on our behalf.

And we see that there are many left to serve.

I've got a lot behind me.

And I've got a lot to look forward to.

I have the best friends. They keep me brightened and sunshiney.

I have an amazing family that loves even when sometimes they don't actually like.

I have children I would slay dragons for.

I have a husband who is truly trying to be my superhero.

Happy Birthday to me! Can't wait to see what another 365 day adventure is ahead.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T17:45:00.001-08:00

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2 Months................................

2008-11-16T23:19:00.001-08:00

It's astounding actually. How time speeds up. And then I start to panic that I haven't documented those things that don't keep forever. Like how Cooper's hair won't do anything but stand straight up. And how Lilly's bed is the place to be after baths. And how Haddie dresses herself. And the girls got style man. Serious style. So here it is. Cooper's 2 month old birthday. And a few shots of the homestead. Documentary style.

You Can See It...........................

2008-11-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

In their eyes. Right? Can't you see it? Totally adoration. Coop is crazy for her. Big, big smiles for her everyday. And I knew Lilly would love him. Sometimes I even joke and say she loves him a bit too much. But really, it's a joke. She can't love him too much. She loves him just right.

I'm Melting............................

2008-11-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

Our little man smiles! I'm crazy for these grins. Isn't it amazing how the heart swells and we get all tingly inside when our babies smile?

All Hallow's Eve.................................

2008-11-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

Things to remember..................

*Dorothy

*Good Witch

*Little Monster

*Trick or Treating in the O.C. and by Nana's

*The girls dancing with Aunt Roopali

*Awesome weather and sunlight!

*Surprise visit from Michelle and Gavin (AKA "Tank")

*The following conversation:

Lilly: "Mommy, I don't like your tummy anymore."

Me: "Really............."

Lilly: "Yeah, it's getting fatter. Like you might break a trampoline or something."

Me: "Nice. Score me some of your Reese's."

What Would Stephanie Do?

2008-10-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

Stephanie Nielson. I've been kind of enchanted by her story. Some would say that it is a sad tragedy. And they are right. But I think there is still magic there.

So what happened? Stephanie, AKA Nie-Nie, wrote a blog. An inspirational, beautiful, and sentimental blog. And there was lots of fun, and lots of love. And then she and her husband were involved in a horrible plane crash. And they both sustained almost unsermountable wounds. But they survived. And they will never be the same. But they have each other and their 4 children. And they have their magic.

You can go to her blog here. Her family is re-posting her many readers favorite entries. Don't go unless you have some time to kill. It will suck you in.

And Nie-Nie's sister lovingly kept everyone abreast of the recovery on her blog. You can get there here.

It hit me yesterday. I'm in love with Stephanie Nielson. When her kindergartener came home with a "red ticket" showing bad behavior, Stephanie laughed and kept her home the next day to make pancakes and play outside because no 6 year old should have stress that would make her act out in class. When her 2 year old broke her latte bowl, she laughed, because she knew there would be more to buy. Stephanie crafted amazing glittery, crowns for her children to wear to dinner one night. And she cooked dreamy meals. Stephanie liked to look her very best for her husband. Even after 4 kids.

That's right. I'm in love with Stephanie Nielson because she is who I thought I would be. I thought I would be the fun-loving, patient, creative wife and mother. I thought I would be doing endless crafts with my children, and cooking lovely meals, and smiling a lot. I thought I would be full of adventure and wonder. I thought my home would just be joy after joy after joy.

I'm not who I thought I would be. Don't get me wrong, we do our fair share of silliness. And we love each other. But I imagined myself as a mother being, well, more perfectly fun.

So it has kept me wondering, when Stephanie faced the same challenges I have, like I know she did (piles of laundry crying at you, dishes mocking you, grouchy children and tired husbands) what did she do? How did she keep the spirit in her home so touching and real?

I have so much admiration for this family. Her injuries have most likely left her unable to care for herself, her children and her Mr. Nielson. But they are a family of great strength and faith. And they will survive, and flourish, and keep the magic.

But me. I am able bodied. My sight, my fingers, my sensation are all intact. What will I do to keep the magic? How can I make my home brimming with giggles and dancing? How can I be Stephanie Nielson?

In the mean time, I'll enjoy my pictures.................

Real Life!

2008-10-25T21:29:00.000-07:00

"Real life!"

That's what Lilly always says when she wants me to know, she really means it. And I happen to think it's downright darling. I don't know where she got it from, but I hope she never stops. I like it that much.

Today was the last soccer game of the season. So here's Lilly's stats. 2 goals, 2 shots off the post, 2 bloody noses, 1 pretty awesome defensive play, countless miles of running in circles, and oodles and oodles of smiles.

We can't wait 'til next year.

Real life.

Just check the proof.

This? This was a breakaway shot off the post.

And this? Not a great picture, but check the form. The form, man!

The action shots............

The defensive specialist...................

Um, the defensive specialist not quite paying attention. What you don't see, it the 3 players of the other team pounding her way. What happens next had the whole crowd shocked amazed and, well, laughing pretty hysterically. You see, Lilly wasn't watching the enemy team closing in on her. Until everyone was screaming at her to pay attention. At the last minute, she turned, she stanced, and she fought off all three of them, saving a goal! And then she promptly did a victory dance, put her "number 1!" finger in the air, and enjoyed her success. A lot.

The Shooting Stars and Coach Joe.
And the oodles of smiles.

Oh, and did I mention there was a trophy involved? Real life.

One Month Ago Today.........................

2008-10-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell painfully contracting with a broken bag of water.

Dreams.............................

2008-10-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of dreams. There's the recurring one where all of my teeth fall out of my mouth. That one disturbs me. And then there's the one where I find out I forgot to go to my Spanish class for my whole senior year of high school. So subsequently I failed the class. And then I didn't actually graduate. And so they took away my college degree. And then they told me that everything I had ever achieved in life really didn't happen and I had to start from scratch. A lot of times that dream feels really real.

But then there is the dream I had that was so vivid it feels like I had it last night. It was the dream I had a few days after Kelly died. It was the dream where I felt warm, and everything was so bright, and sunshiney, and joyful, and peaceful, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was really happy.

But then there are my daydreams. These are the ones where I think I look like Heidi Klum. And where my children obey everything I say without question and perform all their cuteness on demand. And how my house is completely spotless. And where my bank account has a lot of commas in the balance. And I get to shop at Anthropologie.

But then there are my dreams that are more like prayers. Where I dream for my friend's broken hearts to get better. Where I dream I have the perfect advice and wisdom to fix things. Where I have fantastic faith in the future. Where I dream the grief turns into happy memories. Where I dream my talents soar. Where I have made sure that everyone in my life knows the depth of my gratitude Where I dream I am a better person.

But then there are my dreams come true. Like my family who invites me to dinner. Like the friends who boost me up when I'm wilting. Like that one in the picture above. He's a pretty dreamy boy. And he has two pretty dreamy big sisters. And I have a pretty dreamy husband who fixes the lightbulbs, takes out the trash, puts gas in my car, pays the bills and charges my cell phone. Because he loves me.

I guess I'll keep dreaming. It's been pretty good to me.

Joyful Harvest....................

2008-10-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

Pumpkins. Apples. Caramel. Candy corn. Candy corn. Candy corn! This season suits me the best. Sunny days but crispy air. Trips to the farm, gorgeous autumnal color palette. It makes my heart joyful. And after this week, it's just what my poor four chambers ordered. Thank you Quinner-Winner and Aunt T-Bone for schlepping with us to the pumpkin patch. And also not mentioning that I ate all the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on the way there.

But let's forget about all my sorrows and calorie intake and look at this amazing family. But don't look at me too closely. I'm tired. It's been a rough week. And I've eaten a lot.

P.S. Even though my husband lost father and has been job searching in the last 24 hours, there has been things to celebrate. Thank you, thank you to my amazing church friends who threw me a fabulous shower for baby Cooper. It's so nice to hear people oogle over your offspring. And to also make really good food. I really am so lucky!

A Sad Passing........................

2008-10-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my husband lost his father suddenly. He hasn't been perfectly well for many years, but it was still unexpected and sorrowful. My heart aches for his wife, my mother in law Vera. Much of how she identifies herself was in her caretaking of him.

Because we spoke different languages, I never had a long, profound conversation with Uri. But even so, there are many things I know about him. He grew up in a very difficult time in WWII in the Soviet Union. He did not know his own father. He fell in love with his bride the minute he saw her and knew they would be married. He raised 2 sons that were completely loyal to him. He was brilliantly smart, often times too opinionated, but proud, proud, proud of his family. And he lived and breathed news of his grandchildren. I know without a doubt that he had tremendous love for my children. These pictures are of Uri, Vera and Lilly in 2005. A special visit to the United States for him. I imagine he never thought growing up that he would travel abroad, let alone to this great country.

He will be missed. I pray for Alex, Andrei and Vera.

I believe that my children are blessed now by a very special guardian. May they feel his love and remember his spirit.

Happy Today............................

2008-10-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

Some days you just have to choose joy. And today I did. Even though it feels like the dragons to be slayed are growing bigger. But how can there not be a bright future, despite enormous set backs? Just look at these faces, these grown up haircuts, these adorable toes, and you will know faith.

Too Much Fun....................

2008-10-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

To take pictures. There's thousands just like these.

Are you a winner?

2008-10-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well of course you are! But do you want to win a beautiful handbag? Check out Handbag Plane t. Stunning bags. 24 chances to win. Just don't sign up for the one I plan on winning! Cuz it's mine.

Who Would Have Guessed.............................

2008-09-29T21:49:00.001-07:00

There were so many years where I didn't know if I would ever experience motherhood. And here, there are 3. And 3 darn good ones.
Haddie loves Cooper. A lot. Actually, probably too much. But what has she discovered since his arrival? Let's take a closer look.
Yep. She's now a hair twirler. As of Cooper's birthday.
And that's Quinn. I'm thinking my girls are not going to stop loving on their little nephews and brother anytime soon. Does Gavin want to come and play???

Hey, Quinn, that's the same look your daddy always gives me when I try to take his picture. We need to talk.

I've Got a Crush.................

2008-09-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yep. There's a new man in my life. I'm pretty obsessed. So much so that he's keeping me up at night. I can't stop thinking about how blessed I am. No lie, I've got it bad for this one. He lets me play with his awesome hair. And he lets me cuddle. He's acutally made me love all my kidlets just a little more since he arrived. And he's a spitting image of my husband. And that's a good thing.

And I think he's Cooper-Duper.

Going Home..................

2008-09-25T17:47:00.000-07:00

I spent two glorious days all to my self with my new one. Visits from friends and family were fabulous. I was cared for amazingly. Those girls actually anticipated what I needed before I knew I needed it. They were unbelievable. And what did Amy bring me? Well, imagine your husband and daughters have mysteriously shown up at each meal time, raiding your hospital tray, leaving you with nothing. And you just had a baby. And you are starving. And your friend calls to see what you want brought in for dinner. And all you can think about is a chicken burrito. And she makes your dreams come true. Complete with Take 5 candy bars, a six pack of diet Coke, a Super Big Gulp cup because she knows you can't possibly get enough water. And did I mention the beautiful bouquet of flowers? I am so lucky.

Here's a picture of the man ready to head home. It needs to be noted and documented about the white blanket. That special blanket has cradled myself, each of my four bio-brothers and all 7 Gates grandchildren home from the hospital. And I thank Rory and Michelle for remembering to send it on to me so that we can keep the white blanket tradition alive. I am so pro-tradition.

Cooper's Delivery.......................................

2008-09-24T20:58:00.001-07:00

For whatever reason that day my husband decided he was a National Geographic photographer. No worries! I'll spare you all the misery of gory delivery pictures.

I couldn't have asked for a better birthday for my boy. My family arrived after I was already comfortable with my epidural. I progressed quickly enough for my favorite physician to deliver me before his call ended. No long pushing, just a few minutes. About the only thing to report was Cooper suffered a clavicle fracture as his shoulders delivered. Maybe someday those broad shoulders will serve him well as a linebacker! But for now, 7lbs 12 oz and 18 inches. Perfection.

I get tearful looking at all of these pictures. I really feel blessed beyond measure.

Here's my doctor. He's a hero.

And here's Lilly and Nana getting their first little peek at the new boy.
Is there a more exhilarating feeling in the world? Seriously.....................

She is still this excited. And she had eaten a grape popsicle. Can you tell?

Happy Nana.

Unhappy Haddie.

Beautiful Aunt Roopali.

A beaming Papa.

Monkey Ryan has a playmate for my boy at home. We miss you Quinn! Come home soon.

Our Lovely Miss Amy checking out his locks.

And my proud husband. I couldn't be happier for us. Our family feels a little more complete.

So Then..................

2008-09-21T16:44:00.000-07:00

I'm driving along, my cell phone is on fire! Lots of calls to make. One call I made was up to my unit. My posse. My homies. My peeps on Labor/Delivery. "I'm totally on my way!!" One slight catch in the plan? They needed me to stall. There were no clean rooms. No space in the inn. So I did what any self-respecting laboring, water broken mother would do. I went to the Taco Bell Drive-Thru. Ordered myself up a lovely 7-Layer burrito. I mean, I needed sustenance man.

When I finally mosied on in, I was so happy to discover that a ton of the world's most amazing people were working that day. Me and my bun in the oven were in good hands.

This is Jen. She drew the short straw and had to actually be my nurse. Did I tell you that she's one of the best people I've ever known? Love that girl. And I don't think it needs to be mentioned, but I'll say it anyway: I look hot.

And this is Katie. She dropped everything to come and be with me. And she beat my entire family to the hospital by an eternity. That's how much she loves me. How much do I love her? Completely more than that! And me? Still totally hot.

I wish I had a phone record so that you could see how many times Miss Amy and I called each other that morning. I'm telling you, we were unstoppable. And Miss Amy? She brought me the coolest things you could ever give a newly delivered mother. I'm still thinking about it. But it belongs in the post partum post. So you'll have to wait. What have I ever done to be so lucky with the best friends, seriously, on the planet. In the galaxy for that matter.

Next up, some pain meds, an epidural, pitocin and the family arrives.

The Events.........................

2008-09-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

So it's Tuesday. And I have an induction scheduled for Wednesday. It's my day to get my house sparkling clean, organized. You know, make sure the place won't cave in while I'm at Spa/Hospital for 3 days. So I'm working on my first load of laundry to fold. I pick up the basket and I'll be darned if my water didn't break. Crap! I have a lot of stuff to do! So I did what every good mother does. I ignored it. For about 30 minutes. And then I started calling my friends to help me think of what to do. And then I started freaking out, not about having a baby, but because I hadn't had a chance to lay out 3 outfits for my girls, and charge the camera batteries, and eat a really good lunch, and scrub the bathtub.

I took a deep breath, packed up my stuff and called Papa to come and fetch Haddie. And then I took a picture of myself pregnant. With my boy. Maybe pregnant for the last time ever.

And then I drove myself to the hospital.

Proudly Introducing.................................

2008-09-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

Cooper.

September 11th....................................

2008-09-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

It means a lot to our country, without a doubt. Can't believe it's been 7 years. 7 years! Of course we will never forget the impact, where we were, the emotion, the fear, the everything of that day. I have always been a patriot. Pretty hard core patriot at that. But that day made me love my country even more.

But September 11th meant something to me even before history was made in 2001. It's my dad's birthday. And this year? It's 60. Big time birthday. So here's a little picture of a typical Papa pose, in his chair, thinking. I wish I could think of 60 adjectives to describe my dad. But let's remember that any intellectual skill I might have possessed is currently unavailable due to the gestating I'm undergoing.

Here's what comes to mind:

Entrepreneur. Visionary. Crusader. Teacher. Loyalist. Fan. Benefactor. Collaborator. Diplomat. Civil servant. Spiritualist. Progressive. Solver. Adventurer. Ponderer.
Giver. Enthusiast. Politico. Geographer. Optimist. Pragmatist.
Son. Brother. Father. Papa.

Happy, happy birthday.

I Did It.................................

2008-09-03T23:23:00.001-07:00

Notice I didn't say "we" did it. Because today was really about me getting through. Even though I started crying when I heard the brakes of the school bus a block away, and then I cried on and off the whole time she was gone, and the tears kept coming when she came home, it really was a great day.

Mom: "What was your favorite part of the day today?"

Kindergartner: "Everything."

Here she is walking away without even turning around once.

Is this really happening?

Can you spot the mom desperately trying to take pictures through the tears?

This is where I followed the bus real sly like, and then took pictures and videos of my baby. Someday she'll appreciate the gesture. Right?

And this is where the happy one gets off the bus, dying to know when she gets to go back. Everyday, baby.

So. Kindergarten accomplished. Next step? Baby having. All bets are off now folks.

Today I woke up and I felt like even my eyelids were swollen.

It's time to get busy.

My Baby Girl..................................

2008-09-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

Goes to kindergarten tomorrow.

She's going to explode with excitement.

I'm a mess.

I know she is going to be an amazing student. You can't believe how many questions she asks me in a day. She's turning out to be a lovely, smart, capable girl. Helpful, sympathetic and polite. I know school is only going to enhance these things. Not to mention satisfy her curiosity about so many things. But I feel like this is the slippery slope of growing up! How does this happen so quickly? And will she make friends easily? Will she be a leader? Will she seize every opportunity that comes her way? I pray for her success. I hope for her future. I dream for her to come home and tell me every little detail.

Wish me luck in the morning. I'm already misting up!

So on a lighter note, we've spent the last to amazing beautiful evenings at the park. Just running. And just being. And just together-ing. And enjoying the new camera my husband bought me as a pre-baby gift. As you can see, my little girl wants nothing more than some tap shoes and a tutu. She's got some charm, that's for sure. And my big girl couldn't be any more stunning. How did I get so lucky?

Oh, and don't mind the self-portrait. Nothin's pretty just shy of 37 weeks.

*In tHe QuiEt HeArt*

Wednesday........

Pride and Inspiration..........................

Small Things, Big Future.........................

Bay Area Extravaganza 2011.........................

The One Where She Lost Her Will to Blog..........................

Low In Spirit.......................

My Word of the Year..............................

So It Turns Out.............................

(Tap, Tap, Tap...........) This thing on?

Summer................

Trouble.................

A Realtor's Just a Ninja in a Blazer....................

The One Where She Didn't Know What to Say..............

Mother of the Year Monday.............

Mother of the Year Monday.............

There is Sunshine.................

Four Years..............................

Motherhood is the Opposite of Wimpy.................

Tonight I'm Just Lovin' Her.................

The One Where They Slay Dragons..................

The Tale of Two Heathers

The Ways I Rock

My Word............

It Was Merry and Bright......................

Ponderings.................

Happy Yuletide................................

Postcards From Rutsville........................

Adventures.................................

The One About Parenting.................................

El Primero......................................

The Duel......................

Another First......................

This Girl....................................

Hello, My Name is Heather, and I'm a Wobbler.......................

Last Bits of Summer.................................

A Drive By.....................................

A Quilter's Bliss..........................

A Visual Feast.....................

They Say.....................

Wedded Bliss.............................

Our Little Man.................

Magical Woodland Birthday....................

On the Stage 2009

Laughter...........................

A Triumph of Good Fortune...............................

Happy Mother's Day..................

A Structure Journal..............................

Effortless............................

Pixie Dust..................................

It Really Does Exist......................

Oh Joy, Thy Name is Closet........................

It Was Wild Man................................

The Sugar Bowl.....................

Be My Little Baby....................................

Cool Stuff, Yo.................................

Third Birthday......................

What the World Needs Now..................

Big Wheels Keep on Turnin'..............................

A Call to Arms............................

Phew...................

And Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Broadcast...............

Well....................................

I Always Knew You Were a Winner!

#300 and 2009, Fo Shizzle................................

Happy, Happy Christmas..................................

An Arctic Blast is No Joke..........................

Snow Days...............................

For the Love of Textiles.............................

When All is Right With the World........................

Glimpses.......................

Well, Another Year Under My Belt..............

Happy Thanksgiving!

2 Months................................

You Can See It...........................

I'm Melting............................

All Hallow's Eve.................................

What Would Stephanie Do?

Real Life!

One Month Ago Today.........................

In tHe QuiEt HeArt