Wednesday........

This face. This was our Wednesday.

"I hate Wednesdays." All of my littles said it. And to be honest, it was kind of a doozy. Beginning with Nana suffering an unfortunate fall, and ending up with cracked ribs. My big girl smashed her finger in a door at school. And then her desk mate got sick. All over their desks and chairs. (Anybody who knows my daughter knows this is a fate worse than death.) Even two days later she stills get tearful and tells me she can't get the image out of her mind.

But the worst part was the email. The email where it was revealed that one of big girl's classmates was losing his father to leukemia in the near future. Near future for goodness sake. There was to be a class meeting about what leukemia means, what it means to lose a parent, and how to be a good friend to someone who is so very sad. So our family read this email. And we talked. And we asked questions. We wrote letters and cards. And we thought about their family a lot.

And then the father died the next morning.

I don't know this family well. But I can only imagine their heartbreak. And as it happens with all tragedies, it forces you to reflect on your own blessings. Maybe that is where the lesson lies in loss. To learn to be grateful in the very moment. Not later. Not afterward. Not when it is too late.

So my thoughts and prayers center around this family with young children, for their comfort and care. And then my prayers finish with gratitude for our current good health, for togetherness, and for it not being to late to express it all.

Pride and Inspiration..........................

Sometimes the pride hits me so hard that the tears fall right out of my eyes. And my chest fills like the fulness may just burst. And so it happened on Saturday. My girls had a piano recital. It's a small affair as recitals go, in the lovely home of their piano teacher. But none the less as my girls sat there in their fancy dresses, plucking out the songs they practiced so very hard, my eyes swelled up.

My little girl, it was her first recital. For the days beforehand she worried, and worried and fretted. And worried and fretted some more. Finally she chose a song she comfortable with. She was able to walk with confidence to the piano, sit on the bench like a seasoned pro. And you have never heard a stronger version of "Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater." While the song choice is a beginner classic, I was proud of her 5 year old self for braving the audience. This one is a performer, she emerged that way. This is first piano recital, but certainly not the last.

And my big girl. My big girl. It is often said that parents want their children to be better, and do better than they did. I try to remember my own piano skills in 3rd grade. While I could play the basics, it remained at the end of the day, basic. My big girl can play. She can play difficult and complicated songs. She can sit down and play songs she has never seen the music to, just by knowing and understanding the sounds. She played "Starry Night" and "The Legend of Madrid" for this recital. And she nailed it. And I knew that there will be many things that she will do better than me, and piano is one.

I haven't watched the video of the girls at there recital yet. It may sound crazy, but the tender memory in my mind in filling up a lot of space in my heart. And for now that is just the contentment I need. Today I am grateful that I have two beautiful girls to fill my chest with pride.

Many years ago when I started this blog, I was in a flurry of inspiration. I could spend hours online perusing the lives of other people, drinking in their creativity and insight. I saw the many ways that other family's experience could enrich my own experience. I saw how having a personal forum in blogging helped you to be observant in your own life. I started watching my days and remembering the things I wanted to document for always, for my children to remember. When I finally took the plunge for myself, I knew how I would title my blog. Previously at church we had sung two of my favorite hymns during the same Sacrament meeting. The lyrics touched my very being, and I felt like they were almost my anthem. Two Sundays ago during our Sacrament meeting, we sung both of the songs again. It seemed to me to be a rallying cry from heaven to get back to the keyboard, to tell my family how much they mean to me, to tell my friends how grateful I am for their influence, to remind myself how to choose joy above all else.

Here are the verses of my anthem:

"Lord, I Would Follow Thee"

Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly
In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see
Who am I to judge another, Lord, I would follow thee

I would be my brother's keeper, I would learn the healer's art
To the wounded an the weary, I would show a gentle heart
I would be my brother's keeper, Lord, I would follow thee

"Scatter Sunshine"

Slightest actions often meet the sorest needs
For the world wants daily, little kindly deeds
Oh what care and sorrow, you may help remove
With your songs of courage, sympathy and love
Scatter sunshine, all along your way
Cheer and bless and brighten
Every passing day.

Love. Service. Cheer. It's my motto.

Small Things, Big Future.........................

I would describe myself in many ways. Or maybe by many things. I am a mother, wife, niece, sister, daughter, nurse and friend. A quilter, knitter, family memory keeper, and sometime photographer.

Little moments have brought me here, to this place, to where/who I am now.

Many years ago, I bought my first Canon camera. My Uncle Mike Gzowski noticed what a novice I was and bought me an instruction book for photography. I read that book forwards and backwards. And I fell in love with pictures, and mostly the taking of pictures. I have never looked back, I take pictures.

One year for my birthday my Aunt Sandy bought me a rotary cutter, an acrylic ruler and a self healing mat. And she printed off an "around-the-world" quilt pattern. I measured and cut and watched seams until my first quilt top was completed. I have never looked back, I make quilts.

Every week for my adolescent years at church we held activities as young women. When I was in 8th grade we traveled together to the Oregon State Dance/Drill competition to support other members of our ward on the dance team. I watched them dance. And I cried. And I wanted to be on that team more than anything. So despite having never taken a dance class in my life, I tried out. And I made it. And being a West Linn Debutante was the most defining part of my high school experience. I loved dancing, I loved the team, I love our coaches. I have never looked back, the music and the performance is still part of me.

That same 8th grade year my parents invited me to be present at my youngest brother's delivery. They picked me up from school on April 14th, the day my mom became uncomfortable with contractions. I watched the delivery, I held my brother first. And I knew in that moment I would be a labor and delivery nurse. I have never looked back, I am a nurse.

Between 2006 and 2010 I blogged 364 times. In 2011 I published 3 posts. I couldn't capture it. My heart was too broken. Still is. But the difference is that now I know I need to never look back. I need to be present in these moments that will someday help to define me. And define my family. My children are experiencing moments of their own. And the stories need to be remembered.

The stories need to be remembered.

Bay Area Extravaganza 2011.........................

We drove oodles of miles. We ate snacks, drew pictures, watched DVD's and learned to knit on looms. We laughed, slept, giggled, and fought with each other in the Odyssey for 8 days. But we had a super fantastic time. Really. We rocked the Bay Area.

~San Francisco Zoo~

~Monterey Bay Aquarium~

~Santa Cruz Boardwalk~

~Great America~

We came, we saw, we conquered. Here's the proof:























And now we are home safe and sound, preparing for school to start and grieving the end of summer.

The One Where She Lost Her Will to Blog..........................

Wish I had a spectacular story to tell where I have been spending my long lost time curing diseases like cancer. Or solving world financial crises. Or knitting amazing frocks to go with my fantastically quilted quilts. But alas, I have not blogged simply because I had nothing to say.

Sometimes we are profound, and full of words, and observations, and answers to queries. But sometimes we merely exist. And that's where I've been living, in the simple existing.

But today was busy. As are many of my other days, no doubt. But different somehow. Today my friends called upon me when they needed something. And I was able to deliver. And in my helping and delivering I was a little bit healed. I pray nightly for the opportunity to serve the many people that have bouyed me and my family. Especially this last year. (Man, that miscarriage really took the wind out of my sails.) Today was an answer to that prayer.

Today a long lost friend sent me a tremendously thoughtful gift. We haven't had the chance to chat in many years, but her prompting to think of me sent the tears streaming down. Today I felt special.



And today I took this picture. This picture is not a technical masterpiece. But instead it is a genuine gem from a multitude I shot today while attempting senior pictures. When I saw it, I beamed from my insides out. There is something about being able to make this one laugh that absolutely brightens me. Now mind you, I am sure I said something inappropriate and marginally offensive to get this response. But it is a picture that is a true respresentation of a really great young man. And today I loved that I took this picture.

Low In Spirit.......................

Last night I took a walk around the neighborhood. The weather was so favorable, the lighting was perfect. As I walked I couldn't help but sneak a peek or two into the windows of the lovely houses here. I would check out their backyards, the landscaping. I would smile if they have two cars exactly the same parked in their driveway. I find that funny.

But most of all I wondered what quiet trials each family was facing behind their doors. I wondered if they had just lost a cherished loved one. I wondered if they worried how their bills would get paid this month. I wondered if their children were causing them challenge. I wondered if becoming parents was the single desire of their heart. I wondered if they are battling disease or illness. I wondered if today was the day they felt content, and could see all the joy in their life and recognize the many blessings.

Then I walked to my own driveway. I stood out front looking in the window where my girls bedroom is. I could see the twinkling of the red and white christmas light that still hang over their beds. I reflected on how desperately I love these children of mine. And I cried and cried and cried. But it was actually a wave of hope. Something I haven't been able to capture for these many weeks. And I had comfort in knowing, at least for a moment, that behind my door there was contentment, joy in life, and the ability to recognize the many blessings.

Tomorrow is another day on this journey. I know there will be more moments of grief and despair. I am certain that hopelessness will probably try to creep in again. But that's OK. It's a journey. Every good adventure has it's obstacles. Every good superhero has a few kryptonites.

And this superhero has her three beautiful, charming, smart and talented super powers.

My Word of the Year..............................

I've done it before. They've been words like "choose" or "organize." It's the word I make my year's inspiration. And I've finally decided on my word for 2011.

*FLOURISH*

I am starting out this year feeling more settled, in many ways, then I ever have before. So now it is time to focus on making my blessings really bloom and grow. I can flourish as my children's mother. I can flourish as my husband's wife. I can flourish as a homemaker. I can flourish as a professional.

And on that note of inspiration, I've always been a sucker for great quotes. I can't tell you how many little books I've started simply for the purpose of collecting great quotes! So here are a few I've run across recently:

"I can do hard things."

"Because someone doesn't love you the way you think they should doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

"Welcome to this humble home. Full of every days. Full of mundane chores and the buzz of regular life. Which is really a secret code for 'here lives the most magical of creatures and super heroes.'"

"Always be kind for everyone is fighting a hard battle."

And just so you know, I found these mostly on canvases or other people's blogs so I don't have any person identified who authored them. I know, bad journalism. And also, I found a ton more, but I knew I should have bookmarked them! I guess, note to self: FIND A WAY TO REMEMBER!!!